Friday, July 15, 2005

Sometimes I Wonder What I Was Thinking

1) When I decided it was a good idea to have sex when I was 13 years old.
2) When I figured I would Start smoking. Again I was 13 years old.
3) When I took a drink for the first time. I believe I was three. (No wonder I don't like alcohol)
4) When I decided it would behoove me to get married at 19 and get pregnant on my wedding night.
5)When I brought people into my home to live with me.
6) When I left my kids alone with a drunk.
7) When I went with my mom to Soap Lake.
8) When I got divorced from one abuser just to marry another.
9) Why I ever tried to get either father of my kids to see the kids.
10) When I trusted a certain someone even though all my instincts told me not too. And then was suprised as hell when he hurt my kids.
11) When I let myself get this fucking fat!
12) When I decided that spandex looked GOOD on me when I was in high school.
13) When I decided not to keep taking my birth control and got pregnant with Bellie.
14) When I decided to not take birth control at all after Bellie was born and within a year was pregnant with Lynnie.
15) When I decided to try liver and onions when I grew up. YUK! ( How does any body eat that shit!)
16) When I thought that I was soooo cool. You know I invented grunge right. And while I am at it, you know I invented Goth. And all else that is "cool" in the world right.
17)When I switched from oldies to ROCK AND ROLL BABY.
18) When I went swimming alone at a remote lake.
19) When I lived in a van with my boyfriend for a summer. ( believe it or not that was the best relationship I ever had!!!! And it lasted for three and half years.)( I should add I was like 15 when I met him.)
20) WHen I ran away from my mom without a reason sometimes.
21) When I gave away everything I owned. Ten million times!!
22) When I put the clothes in the dryer for way to long .
23) When I quit smoking for two years and then started up again. Don't worry, I still ain't smoking none.
24) When I decided to be a babysitter for a living. ( not this time T)
25) When I thought that I had it all and was happy for like a minute.
26) When I fell in love.
27) When it didn't last.
28) When I drank that milk that tasted a little funny.
29) When I prayed for you.
30) When I got that one phone call in particular.
31) When I fell in love again.
32) When that failed too.
33) When I fell in love again.
34) And got rejected. This happens to me alot.
35) When I felt so confused.
36) When I loaded my injured horse in that trailer so he could go be put down.
37) When I called my mom a bitch that one time.
38) When I ratted someone out.
39) When I got divorced again.
40) When I tried to help a friend who couldn't be helped.
41) When I gave away that dog named Jennie. God she was the coolest dog!!!
42) When I gave away that cat named Triton. God he was the coolest cat!!!
43) When I quit smoking for 7 months and started up again. ( still not smoking this time)
44) When I thought about going to africa to live with a wild tribe. ( I think I was nine when I wanted to do this.)
45) When I kissed three boys in one day.
46) Those times when I had three somes or more somes.
47) When I took that picture.....
48) When I ate too much and puked. ( I think I was twelve) ( man was I sick!)
49) When I ate too many cheeries once. lets just say I was NOT a happy camper.
50) When I believe that I could see unicorns and pegasus. When I believed that they talked to me and protected me. I miss that.
And what am I thinking now. Now that all of that has past. I wouldn't change one decision. One incident. Not one word would I take back. All of it, every moment is precious, and it is mine. I own it. The good, the bad, and the damn right ugly. I own it all. Every mistake. Each heartache I delivered or received. Every breath, and every dance I didn't dance. Every opportunity missed. Every lesson learned. Its all mine. I am proud of it. I don't want to go back. I want to go on ahead and see what else I can accomplish, what else I can fuck up royally. And own every bit and beat of that too.

No comments: