Daddy

So many wonderful memories,


So many words to say,

There isn't enough paper,

Theres not a long enough day.



You where an awesome dad,

Quite a funny guy,

With many friends who loved you,

And deep family ties.



A tug boat captain extrodinaire,

Seaweasel you went by,

A volunteer fireman also,

A hero, always in my eyes.



You where my superman,

My big ol man oh daddy,

The jokester and the ham,

The cooker of many crabbies.



You will amuse the angels now,

Tarnish all their halo's

Dirty up their snow white wings,

With all your colorful tale'os.



I know you are at peace now,

PLaying with your Tupie man,

A blind man with a glass eye in

his ass could see how that is grand.



So many people here will miss you,

Especially your children and your wife,

You had so many adventures

Trully enjoyed and lived your life.



We thankyou so much for

all that you taught us and all that you gave,

All our lives are richer because

with you we spent our days.



I love you so much daddy,

I miss you so bad,

I'm so lucky to have been your kid,

I don't think I've ever been so sad.





Say hello to all the folks,

over there on the other side,

Its been one helluva adventure,

Quite and Awwwwesome ride!





DJBY

hours

There are only a matter of minutes or hours left to my daddy's life. I am sometimes numb and sometimes I can't stop crying. I got to hear him tell me he loved me a few weeks ago. And now he is at the end of his life.
He had a wonderful long life full of adventures and friends. He married my mom and they had many happy years together and many adventures. He was very active playing golf, fishing, clam digging, going on trips to neat places, they where snow birds every year for the last 15 or so. He was a tug boat captain with a tug boat captains mouth! No one could tell a story like my dad. His eyes would light up and you could tell he was putting himself back into the moment he was speaking of, listeners could almost see what he was describing. And no man was a better clam fritter maker EVER! He so enjoyed time with his friends and family. Gatherings at the cabin and during christmas and just for fun at Kuhnles Tavern or Vi and Glenns. He will be missed by all he leaves behind, but has a wondeful big group already waiting for him on the other side.
There is gonna be one heaven of a party, the biggest bestest party Heaven has ever seen!!
I love you daddy.....

Buying a house

Okay so we are going to start looking into buying a house and looking around....How nervous am I!!!
Buying a house with someone is a HUGE commitment, not only to each other but also the house. We know what we want so that will make things easier and have agreed that if our relationship doesn't work out we will always be friends and can live together happily enough. I am not sure how that would work if we split up and brought in new relationships but as adults I am sure we could figure it out. We aren't unreasonable. Totally.
I just hope that our relationship works out the way we both want it to and that things go at least semi smoothly. I am very nervous about buying a house however for reasons other then the relationship. As anyone who has ever read my blog knows, I am a gypsy heart and soul, I like to travel and move around and enjoy new experiences. Can't do a lot of that if I make the commitment with Jim to purchase a home. I will need to be around to do the housely things and help pay bills and I am sure he would not appreciate it if I just took off and did my own gypsy thing for any amount of time over a week....Soooo scared and yet excited at the same time.

LOG

Went and saw my dad yesterday at the nursing home. He looked so much better then the last time I saw him. I think they had him over medicated at the last place. Yesterday he was quite alert and talking and being his funny self. He doesn't make sense anymore. But thats okay, he seemed to recognize me for a second, introduced to me to the room...there was no one else there. He kept calling Jim " Barclay". We don't know which Barclay he meant but thats all right. Saw my mom and Vicki there too, that was awesome. Got some hugs thats was even awesomer...is that a world? Anyway going again today to feed him lunch. It was a good thing to go. I don't want to remember him this way, but I have to remember that these won't be my only memories of him...

In other news, having some communication issues with Jim,. I just don't know how to get through to that guy. Its been a little tense the last few days. But I still love him very much and hope to keep him around a good long time.

Thoughts

Well its been interesting getting to know Jim all over again. Its been fun and scary. I am so much in love with him and yet I know I need to guard my heart if I am a smart girl. He is just coming out of a very bad marriage and is gun shy. We really didn't intend for this to happen so fast like this. Just can't seem to control how close we feel. He really didn't want to jump out of the pot and into the fire. I told him to think of me as a cool glass a water instead. I am having a hard time with all the woman he talks to, if they where just friends I wouldn't have a problem with it,. but these are women who are sending him gifts and mooshy cards and want down his pants. These are women who are out to get him and he loves the attention so keeps it going.. Whatever, I don't fucking like it and no one said I had too. I gotta say as much as I love him and want him in my life I don't want to feel used either, or like chopped liver. I don't know if I can do this. Its just not working.

Goodbye Sweet Prince

Dedicated in the Memory of a Star...
He wasn't just a movie star, or a great dancer, he was a star in his personal life too.
He wasn't just a man who could move and act, but a man with class and tact.
He wasn't just a figure on the silver screen, but a man who treated his wife as a queen.
Patrick Swayze will be missed by family, friends and fans alike.
A man with passion and love for all in life.

Poem

Riding the drama train,
Its a fancy trip to nowhere,
Don't get nothin done,
Unwound, Unbound,
Tie me up, tie me down,
Take a walk on the sin trail,
Makes ya strong,
Can't fail,
Gettin sick on this coaster ride,
They call it life,
I call it hell.

Don't know what to think

I don't know what to think about Joan, ( my mom) sometimes... I think she is crazier now then when I was a kid. And I know part of it must be because of whats going on with my dad. I called her the other day to find out what nursing home he is in,. And she told me, then I asked her if there was any way I could get copies of pictures of the all the MTA people. Because all us kids want to have a reunion. She said she would think about it and it was a fairly pleasant conversation. About a half hour or so later she called me...." Hey Denise, could you just not call me unless its something really super important...I just can't deal with all your drama right now, this is hard enough without having to deal with you and your drama. Can't you just take care of yoru daughter or something. ( here she starts bawling) I just know you have your dad dead already, and I'm sure you have already written the poem for him, I just can't hand...le. It. This is just too much, this is just so hard and I don't know why you are calling me with drama...( she is getting hysterical now) I just can't do it all anymore, just don't call me about anything unless its really super important. Just leave me alone, I don't have anything for you and I'm not helping you have a memorial for your dad.. This is where I stopped her, I said, " I'm really very sorry you took my request that way, I apologize, this isn't easy for me I know how difficult it must be for you.. I am very sorry that you took it that way, That was very much not what I was requesting pictures for... Then she hung up on me.....WTF???
I don't get it. I really really don't get it!! Of course I wish my father wasn't living like this, of course I wish he had passed away with the stroke. I know he wouldn't want to live the way he is living!! But of course I don't have him dead already. and of course I haven't written a poem for him yet!!! I just wanted some copies of pictures to share with all the other kids! Who are now adults just like me and we want to walk down memory lane together and have a great time. It has nothing to do with my dad, and everything to do with ALL the MTA people, the cabin, us kids and all the wonderful summers we spent together! And I know this is hard for her, I know she is going thru hell.. He's my DAD. Does she think its easy for me to know the condition he is in, does she think it is easy for me to handle, does she think I don't think about him every waking moment and even in my sleep??? I really don't understand.

random wanderings through my nearly vacant mind

Things don't make sense.


Life is so terribly " Oh look a chicken!" Random

I wonder if the toilet will flush yet??

HUH

I also wonder what people would think if they knew what I was really thinking?

I imagine the looks on certain faces if they where to discover I do most of my writing while naked

what can I say, It just helps things flow to not feel all bound down by earthly things.

So ya, I'm naked..but try not to picture that. It could cause irrepairable harm to some of you, and random masterbation for others... Heh, now that is something I don't want to think about!!

ya, actually I wanna know.

I'm a freak just like my daddy always said.

In more ways then 99.9 percent of all the people I know, will EVER know.

Exept now ya all prolly have ideas. I wonder who and how many could guess right?

I want ice cream. JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMM we need to go back to that Icecream shop!

You know the great little place in Granite....they have LICORICE!!

Can't beat that!!

Is it wierd that I wonder who drives my dads tugs now?, and I wonder who will crack jokes the way he did?, and then I realize neither answer matters. Because no one can do either the way he did.

My dad can never be replaced. Jen can never be replaced. None of us can EVER be replaced.

We are all the same yes, because we are people and we have many similarities in personality and such. But no one, is exactly like you, or me, or joe blow down the block. THAT is amazing, Billions of people on the planet and no two are exactly alike, Even identical twins are different SOMEHOW.

Thats just breath taking to think about. I want to meet everyone! Even the mean people. I want to know what makes each person tick. I want to laugh with everyone, love with everyone, and just be, with everyone. Yes I realize I am a freak I have stated such above. Get over it. Or go away.

I am so very much in love...with my kids, my friends, life, Jim...god thats scary. OH look a chicken!

I need to learn how to post pics in the bodies of these things. I so want to put a pic of the rooster right before the beginning of this sentence. Lmao he is out there crowing now, I think he has esp, because anytime we go outside he comes running. Even if he is on the opposite side of the house. He is one gifted rooster I guess. Not much of a name though. Chicken..huh, brilliant and creative Shelby!

I am so ready to go do something this evening, I need to get out of this house. After the excitement of last night and the complete let down of this afternoon....Devestation hits just as fast and hard as elation. I feel flattened. Jen has got to feel positivley transparent with grief.

Okay I can't think about that right now. Damn that chicken! I need to make some Tye Dye t shirts and stuff, does any body know how to do that?.....I tye dyed my bras once but it didn't set in, washed out after like three washes. Really sucked. I love tye dye its my favorite color. It represents so much and nothing at all. Its fabulous. Why the hell am I craving seafood, anybody got any clams, or crab er summin....damn mmm shrimp..losbster,,hhhhhuuuhhhhhh drool.

I need to rearrange and organize my room, its a little cramped in here. Its not the smallest room in the house, THANK GOD!! Thank you TJ.. but its crowded a bit now. I need tye dye wall coverings that will make it better!!!!

Need shelves on every wall. for books and movies and nick nacky things,. my fingers hurt from typing to much and my arms hurt from the way I am holding them, And I think Jim is almost here so that means I get to go to wal mart now. YAY!!

Heaven sent gift...almost

So I get this text about 5:30 pm last night. Its from Jen..Its says.." where the hell are you? I'm on my way to get my new body parts!!" I immediately text back " where? when? here? now!!!?"
Response..." swedish hosp. seattle. 11 East, I will be in by 10 pm sug sched for 4 30 am.."
I used to Jims phone. I called her. How awesome wondeful and exciting and amazing and wow. We were just stunned. It really is like how in the movies. You know the scene. The phone rings and they say get on a plane or get to the hospital its time. And the person runs around crying calling everyone they know while their scrambling to get ready to leave. It just happend so fast she said. She just got this call out of nowhere to come to Seattle to get on a plane and fly her happy ass to Seattle. WOW. Shock!!!
I was able to call her at the hospital last night. They where doing all the preliminary stuff.. checking her sugars hooking her up to iv lines all that stuff. We had to get off the phone because a team of people came in the room. I wasn't able to call the hospital again until this afternoon. I was told they sent my Nej home. There was something wrong with the pancreas and she really needs both a pancreas and a kidney so even though the kidney was fine she couldn't get both and so they sent her home. Devastation hits just as fast as Elation. I feel flattend. And I can only imagine how Jen feels. She is flying home right now, away from the promise of a new lease on life. It had to be like getting the death sentence all over again. I can't stop crying. Neither can my sister. We love Jen. The three of us have triquetras on our left shoulders. Matching identical tattoos that we got on the same day. Sybolizing the power of three. She is our sister. Last night it was such a high point. Past the sky beyond heaven. Now today. This news is just as incredible. Its just on the bad end. I can't believe how cruel life can be sometimes. I just want my friend to live. I am so greatful to the family of the young man who died... they made the decision to donate any viable organs. His passing will mean life to many others. Just not Jen. Not this time. My thoughts are with all involved..... I can't stop crying

New ink for me and Jim

He is so good to me!! We went out yesterday on a mission to get him a new tattoo and I ended up getting one too. Love him!!!! How can I not love a man who gets me ink! And ahhhhh the glorious pain of getting a tattoo. There is nothing like it in the world. It is the perfect pain. He wants me to get my hood pierced, he is willing to pay for it even. I have never been pierced there but I have been pierced other places and I am not sure that would be a good pain or a bad pain, but I am sure the fuck willing to try it out!!!! As long as he is holding my hand of course. Have to show off our new body art so here are some pics.............

This looks weird but I couldn't change it so here you have it., the faith is mine, its on the inside of my right wrist, and his of course is the lion, his birthday is on the 19th and he is a leo, this was his b day present to himself. I am so not telling you what he is getting from me. The other pic is the two of us just chillin. Its nice to have a best friend who is around all the time!!

bleh

Not feeling well at all. Ended up in the hospital for the better part of yesterday. Turns out I have a rather severe kidney bladder and urinry tract infection. There was a lot of blood in my urine and blood clots. I could possibly have kidney stones. And my mom has informed me that I could have the same thing she and my brother have...Mccartles Disease which is a glucogen storage disorder and I guess it does this. I have had kidney and bladder problems my entire life. Kidneys failed at three and have always been suseptible to urinary tract infections. However I have never had pain like this! I have never had blood in my or clots in my urine. And it never hurt so bad to pee before. I am concerned about kidney stones, but I am more concerned about the whole McCartles thing. Definately something I am going to have to look into more. Have spent the better part of the day in bed and now I am more or less wide awake, I have to wait another half hour to take my meds so figured I might as well stay up anyway. Jim is snoring away...he had a very long day at work and gets up before god most mornings, I know because I wake them both up! haha....he pretty much came home and crawled in bed with me, poor guy, he said he felt like he'd been drinkin all day he was so tired and had an exhaustion headache from hell. So I got up and made some kick ass oven sammies and cut up some watermelon and brought it to him in bed. He has been so sweet the last couple days. He went straight from work to the hospital yesterday because he was so concerned about me and mad at me for not taking care of myself. I got a helluva lecture that for sure. Then he made sure I had plenty of cranberry juice and lemon lime soda to drink, bought me lunch at subway ( where I ran into young lady I used to babysit and discovered that she is expecting!!!) Then when we got home he made sure I was comfy and had plenty of ice and told Tracy I needed to take care of me and he hoped she would back him up on that because I am all about taking care of all of them all the time. He thinks I spoil him! Thats just me though. I am a care taker, I am mother. I am a caregiver..its just my nature.
He can't get over that I make him lunch every morning and get up with him to get him off to work. I didn't this morning or yesterday morning. He told me he knew something was wrong yesterday when I didn't get up with him. And obviously he knew this morning why I didn't, but he was a little surprised to know that last night when I couldn't sleep I made egg salad sammies for him to take to work. I don't know what is going to come of this with Jim. But I tell ya something, I am really enjoying his company and companionship and knowing that someone gives a flying rats fuck about me.....

daddy

Today was a good day and a bad day. I went to see my dad. I almost didn't recoginize him. He was very sleep as it was later in the afternoon, I hear he is more with it in the early mornings which makes absolute sense. But wow was I not ready for that sight. He doesn't look like my daddy anymore. My heart is breaking in a million pieces. He has lost so much weight and even more of the spark that is him. Jim told me we could go see him again on sunday earlier in the day and I know I need to, and I want to but I don't want to. Seeing him was so damn hard. I just feel so bad for him. I know my mom must go through hell everytime she sees him. I was expecting him to look bad, but not this bad! I have worked in the elderly care business for 12 years and I knew it would be hard to see him the way he is. I debated it and debated it. I want to remember my dad as the strong young man he once was, as the older man who was still traveling and golfing and cracking jokes and making up sayings that you really had to think about before you got it. He was smart as a whip and just a sharp tongued. I miss that. Seeing him was good and bad and really really hard. I have been crying off and on since I saw him.
And all the stuff going on with Jim isn't helping. Thats a long story which I am so not ready to tell at 12 53 in the morning. I need to try to go to sleep.

can't sleep

There is a beautiful naked man in my bed. I can't sleep. And no its not because he is snoring. Which he is but he is a soft snorer. I have gotten very comfortable with him in my bed. Even though he isn't mine and I am not his. I love having him here. I love having his daily companionship. I love being a witness to his life, I love that he is is witnessing mine, that we are able to once again participate in eachothers lives. Its amazing to me that he is in my life and even more amazing that I am getting to spend so much time with him after so very many years apart and not even knowing if he was dead or alive. Its been wonderful getting to know eachother again. There has always been a weird but super cool connection between the two of us. He is going through a very difficult time in his life and I am glad that I can be here for him. He is a trully amazing person and I have missed his presence in my life. The fact that we can reconnect like this and become such an important part of eachothers lives is just awesom. It was funny today, we realized that all those many many many years ago we never broke up. What a hoot we have been cheating on eachother for 20 + years!!! He's been married three times, I have been married twice, we each have children with others. How funny. So all this time later to be in the same house sharing a bed is just incredible. He was my first. And a large part of me is hoping that somehow he will be my last. And many many many years from now. Taking things slow in the relationship department is hard for me. I want more then what he can give right now. We are both aware that he wants more then he give right now. And we have discussed the entire situation. We both understand whats going on. Others in our lives don't quite get it. They don't have to. Jim is my best friend. And lover. And right now, in the moment. Loving eachother is all we can do.

PISSED

The one thing I can't handle is being judged about my parenting. I just can't take it. Anyone wants to know how to piss me off quick fast and in a hurry....judge me on my parenting. You will have a fight on your hands. I am so very very angry right now. Its better if I don't speak out loud. So I am writing it out. This may be an appearing disapearing post. I am so very very very upset. I can't believe what was just said to me. I know most people would dismiss it off hand. But being a mom is very personal to me. It shatters my soul when someone thinks I am bad at it. I know, I know, people can only effect me in the way I allow. I just can't seem to help it on this score. Especially coming from someone who has no room what so ever to say anything to me. I don't beat my kids. I don't make them bleed and I don't have to get them ice packs when I'm done punishing them. Don't tell me I am ignoring my kids! I don't hide from them as much as I can. My kids may not live with me every day. I may only get them for a month. But I am not ignoring them. I am allowed to have privacy while they are here with me. I am allowed to still be an adult and to still need a moment to myself. Even if that moment is an hour. I asked my kids if they felt ignored and they said no. Thats good enough for me. BUT. The fact that someone is judging me just makes me so mad. I work very very hard at not judging people. Seeing people really for who they are sure. Wether that is good or bad. And I accept them good bad and indifferent. Choices they make aren't always good and aren't neccasarily choices I would make. But thats one of the greatest gifts of being human. We don't all think or act or believe the same exact things. I don't feel its right to smack my kids so I don't. I don't feel its right to scream terrible things at them so I don't. I feel its best f0r them to live with their dad now, so they do. He doesn't beat them either. My kids and I have been through a lot together and we know the score. Don't judge me. Ask me, if you have questions. But do not judge me.

wow

Well its been a little bit again. Just got internet so I should be able to blog much more often now. It makes me feel better so I hope thats true. We have been having weather straight out of hell the last few days. We be going to the river again today. The other day Tracy and I took my niece and they found tiny little garnets!!! How cool is that!!!!!
Anyway things are great. Kids got to visit grandma and grandpa. They had a lot of fun. I heard a funny story last night about Sierra and Grandpa ( keep in mind the man has had a very severe stroke, brain surgery and is in a nursing home ) Sierra was feeding him some crab, and he put his hand out towards her and she thought he wanted to hold the crab. ( she was holding it and feeding it to him as he would have dropped it) And she said to Grandma.. " Oh I think he wants to hold the crab." Just then grandpa pointed at Sierra and said " mmm pretty titties." Sierra didn't catch on at first and Grandma had to tell her what grandpa said. Sierra just laughed and laughed. Its funnier if you can hear it told in person I suppose but we got quite a kick out of it. That is Sooooooooooo not something you want to hear from your grandpa!!!!!!!!!
But you know he doesn't know she is who she is so we can let it go and see the humor in the situation. I am glad they got to see him and spend so much time with him. He probably won't be around next summer. They also got to go to the cabin with grandma and their sister so they have been having a lot of fun. Jim ended up moving in while they where at grandmas so they got to meet him yesterday when we went to pick them up. He was all hopped up on jelly bellies and mt. dew and they thought he was hilarious.....And we have all found ourselves in a jeff foxworthy joke. Gonna post a pic to go with that so you can just see what I be talkin bout.












Tj and her daughterspet rooster. We opened the back door yesterday and he decided he needed to perch and sit in front of the fan and watch jackass!!!!!




This is mystic. We let them out into the side yard sometimes. He pokes his head into the bathroom window whenever anyone is in their taking care of business. Its a little disconcerting when showering...peeping toms have nothing on this horse!

Been Awhile

Well lots has happend since my last entry. On the third of July I went to a bbq at a friends house and ended up running into my very first serious boyfriend. First a lot of things actually. He was like my best friend when we were teenagers. We drifted apart as those who meet in middle school often do. He moved away to another city and we saw eachtother here and there a time or two but then before I blinked it had been 23 years! When I asked my friend who all was coming and she said his name I got all dizzy and excited I have been dreaming about him for the last few months that I would run into him at this certain friends house so it was exponentially weird!! So anyway I told her " You gotta call him, what do you mean he might? show up? what does that mean, call him right now, or let me call him, give me his number he has to come!!!!! " I went on for about 30 seconds at a very rapid pace I don't know how she understood what I was saying but she told me to calm down as she was laughing and gave me his number. I called him. Shaking and being dizzy and a lil out a breath from all the talkin so fast. I didn't think he would answer because he wouldn't recognize my number. But he did!!! He said hello, I had heart failure and said hi Jim!! He said who is this, I had a seizure and said Denise....he stopped breathing and said Barclay? I had a blue and purple cow and said Yes. How you doing?!!!! I think he died for a second then he started yelling !!!! Denise!!!!! Denise!!!! Oh my god how are you where the hell are you how have you been oh my god its so good to hear your voice!!! And then I was talking at the same time and then I stopped cuz I realized we weren't getting anywhere speed talking over eachother... So anyway in the conversation I asked him if he was married and he said yes but workin on getting a divorcel. I told him I was sorry to hear that and I am. And then I told him he had to come to the bbq because he had to come see me...he said he sure the fuck was gonna be there now. YAY!!!! So he did come to the bbq and we have been talking non stop ever since. Its the weirdest but coolest damn thing ever. We have this incredible connection and don't know for sure where its going but I swear up and down he is the one. And I hope that things go the way we both want them too. I am falling in love again and I am scared shitless. Then on the tenth Tracy and I went and did a turn and burn to MiltonFreewater to go get Sierra and Lynndsey. We have been having so much fun!!! Friday we went hiking up to the ice caves. So beautiful. I will post some pics soon I hope. Gotta go run off with the cobblings now!!!!!!!

Adventures in Hiking

So far this year I have been hiking four times. The first time we went to Lake 22 and I didn't make it all the way up because I am getting up their in age and my damn hip went out. It was so much fun though and I was determined to get to the Lake. So the next weekend we went up again. And I made it!!! It was incredibly beautiful and I felt so victorious. It was a great feeling. The next day we went exploring and found some more trail heads that looked promising. The next day we went to Boardman Lake and that was an absolute blast. It was much easier then Lake 22 and we went fishing there too. It was breath takingly beautiful I think I will post some pics......




On the trail towards Lake 22



Lake 22...YAY!!





Exploring some back country roads looking for trails. We came upon this spectacular view



Lake Evan. On the way to Boardman.

Someone once told me

Someone once told me that I am worthy of being loved.
I never believed it. Ever. In my whole life.
I pretended that I did. I pretended to believe it. Even to myself.
I faked it real good too. I lied to myself. Saying it in my head every now and then.
" Denise you are worthy of being loved, you are loveable."
I realized not too terribly long ago the great deception.
It was heart breaking. To realize fully that I always thought I was not loveable. That there was something broken about me. That I was no good. That I was trash. I blamed those thoughts on Denny for a long time. Granted it didn't help that he said those things to me. Repeatedly. I didn't have to believe him. I needed to believe those who told me always that they loved me. That I am beautiful and worthy and wonderful. I needed to believe those who told me there was nothing wrong with me. I needed to believe in my own mantra. It took a very long time to get to the point I am at today. I still tell myself EVERDAY that I am awesome. I have to.
I know I lied to myself before by looking back and seeing what my life was like. By absorbing and analyzing the painful past. I wouldn't change a damn thing, do not get me wrong. I am who I am because of everything that happend and the part I played.
I choose the wrong man to marry. TWICE . OUCH. I let myself get VERY over weight. I went into a severe depression that just about killed me. More then once by my own hand.
Yes I was suicidal. I still struggle with depression. I struggle with many ailments. But that is not what this is about. This is about self love. And the realization that I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVEABLE. I had to go down a lot of hard roads not loving myself to figure out that I am worth the bother. I realize that if I don't trully love myself I cannot trully love another. I used to say that was bullshit. You can still love your children trully and completely without loveing yourself. Mmmm was I wrong. How could I take care of anyone if I couldn't even take care of me. How could I love anyone if I didn't know how to give love to myself?? I am not saying that I didn't love my kids. God THAT is soooo not what I am saying. My children are my heartbeat. They are every breath I take. But I am my heart. And I am my lungs. I love me. There for I love them more trully, more deeply, more completely then ever before. Its an amazing thing. Giving to oneself. I am in awe of people who have always loved themselves and have never known any other feeling. It just floors me. To know that so many other people were and are walking around feeling this great, this fabulous, this wonderful. About themselves. WOW.
Today I can honestly say I get to walk around feeling that and thinking that. And KNOWING that.
I am loveable. I am worthy of love. Loving me is new. But like any relationship it takes time and lots of water and sunlight and hard work to really take root deep. That is what I am working on now. I am building myself a garden of love. Just for me. That way I can share my truest love with the people I call family and friends.

THis last week or so

Has not been a fun one. I have been in and out of the Doctors office and then into the hospital.
Blood tests, ekg's, and Catscans of my chest. All saying that my heart is fine and my lungs are clear, so thats all good.....okay so why does it hurt so bad and why can a hardly breathe?
He finally prescribed ativan on top of the medication to help get the water retention down. And aspirin just in case. And I should take it everyday. And next week I have to have a stress test.
Yay. The ativan isn't really doing jack shit but making me tired. I already had that problem. Now I have had the hiccups all day. A strange side effect I get from Ativan. My chest still hurts and its still feels hard to breathe. Especially when I lay down or do anything remoteley strenuous.
I am only 38 for gods sake! And I am already scaring my doctor about my heart and possible blood clots in my lungs. Okay I know I am fat. But damn. I just want to know what the hell is going on. I am worried now. And my moo doesn't help with the way she talks about the heart problems that run in the family. Everything is just peachy. Blood pressure, pulse, ekg's stress tests.. right up to the minute of heart attack. And then its always fatal! Ya. Thats what I want.
My mother didn't know she needed a five way bypass until she insisted on an angiogram.
The doctors thought she was being rediculous. Ya, they weren't laughing so much when they discovered five major blockages. Her cousin went to a heart specialist the day before he died of an exploding heart. Guess what. All his everythings were just fine and he was the picture of health. In my family tree more branches have dropped off because of bad hearts then for any other reason. I DO NOT want to be one of those branches dammit. I am scared.

Mothers day weekend

Well it was a busy week last week. And the week before I was so sick I could barely get out of my bed. I still have the cough and god my chest hurts!
My sister T and her hubby were having some marital issues and I got to be the lucky person in the middle. Dave has been my friend for 25 years and Tannis is my sister. She needed to talk to me and so did he. It was very hard not to get in the middle or do the he said she said bullshit.
I would catch myself about to and then I would stop. I wanted to be there for both of them but in the end it was all tearing me apart so I told them both I didn't want to talk to either one of them about their marriage. Call me and talk to me about all the other stuff going on. Just not that.
They both agreed and apologized. I didn't need that. I just needed to not be involved anymore.
So now they are keeping to themselves and I am good with that!
Went to their house on Friday and watched my neice so they could go out.
Saturday Grant and Katie came and picked me up and I spent the night in Anacortes. God I miss it there. I love Anacortes so much. But I really love Arlington and I am still loving living with Tracy and her family. Sunday had a great mothers day at Mike and Janets, we had prime rib and shrimp and all kinds of other nummi stuff for lunch. Came home Sunday evening and just chilled for the rest of Sunday. It was a very nice very relaxing weekend. I did how ever smoke a few cigarettes which eck. I don't even know what made me do it. Cuz eww. I am just fine not smoking here at home. But at Grant and Katies its like the thing to do and it was very hard to not do it. SO I caved and now I am feeling the effects and its Thursday!
NOT WORTH IT!!!!
Never again and I don't think it should count against my not smoking time.
So its been a month a week and a day. Its been difficult but I think I am doing good!

I haven't really written in a while

Or everything I have written is depressing.
Things are going very well here at Tracy's. We had a bbq this weekend. Some of her friends and some of her family came, and my sister Tannis and her husband Dave came with my neice meme and her best friend.
Showed the kids the horses and meme was about mad in love with them!
We had good food and great fun. Had a bonfire, Tracy and Patrick and their friends stayed up til 4 am around the bonfire!! I turned into a pumpkin at midnight shortly after Dave and Tannis left.
Sunday we all just sat around with our lazy bones stuck to various pieces of furniture.
Monday it was back to the grindstone for everyone. I got the kids off to school and then CLEANED. It took me the better part of the day just to clean the kitchen and do two loads of laundy then I finished cleaning up the yard. Found an unopened soda so that was a great score!
Tracy told me the other day that I am like the wife she never knew she wanted. How funny is that!
Her daddy's doggie Snickers is only going to be around for a little bit longer, Tracy wants to give him to her sister. Which is great for the sister but sucks for me. I am totally besotted by that tiny little dog.
I will have to post a picture of him, I only have like a hundred.
Been spending a lot of my time reading and writing poetry. No not ready to share it yet.
I have been seriously considering writing a book. I know I know. I just need to do it for once and for all. I just don't think I am skilled enough to do that. I need to take a writing course.
I know I know. Excuses excuses. I just need to shut up and write.
Going to a party on Saturday. One of my very good school friends is having this get together for a couple of reasons. It should be fun to see everyone again, it's only been 20 years!!

The three day breast cancer 60 mile walk

I have a friend whos girlfriend is doing the walk.. she is dedicated to doing this.
If you are interested in donating to the cause here is the link

www.the3day.org/goto/angiekildare

any help is appreciated..
ThankYou

ohhh my life!! lol

One of these days I will put down roots somewhere. Just not yet apparently. I have moved twice in the last two weeks. First to Longview, and no back up to my old stompin grounds in Arlington,.....sheesh. I must like it or something.
Well okay not so much but shit happens and life goes on and if I can't roll with the punches I will just got knocked out. So I roll baby.
I know most people think that my life is a rollercoaster. I happen to like it. I don't neccasarily like moving around a lot. But then again there is something to be said for a change of scenary. I just get that change more often then most. ( did I spell that right. Scene, scenic, scenery??)
Hmm.
Well anyway I am now living with a friend that I have had since first grade. Her name is Tracy.
I am kinda being a live in Nanny and housekeeper for her. Its part of my rent. And I pay some cash too. But I get to drive her vehicles and have a cell phone to use so thats cool.
I like this situation better then the one in Longview but seriously miss Katie and Grant and the kids. I want to see the baby!
Oh did I forget to mention there are horses here!!!
Gotta love that. Anyone with a horse is a friend of mine!

I FUCK EVERYTHING UP

Why can't I manage to just be normal and regular and not FUCK EVERYTHING UP?

more updates

Well on my birthday I moved down to Longview again. Katie wanted more rent, so I called my moo and found a place to stay down here for less then I was paying up there. Told G and K I was moving out and they said that was cool and they had decided that since I was leaving they weren't going to get another roommate. Huh? They wanted more rent. ?
I don't get it. You want me to give you more money because you are having problems with paying your personal bills. So I move out so you can get another roommate that could pay more. And now you decide you can do it all on your own. I am confused. Am I missing something here?
Oh well. It will be good for them to be on there own. They need to just be a family. The baby is getting to where she can sleep in her own room , Kayla wants to share but Kate doesn't want her to have to because she is 8 going on 40 and wouldn't do well sharing her room with an infant.
They K tells me she is going to miss me and doesn't want me to leave. I really do not get it.
Does anyone else??

Updates

Okay well dad is doing pretty good he is just has a few loose wires now. Well a few more then before anyway, I tried to call but got no answer. I left a message and go no return call. They hate me. All is good and right in the world again!!
Thank You cowboy Joe and Deni. I miss you both so much. Thank you for stopping by the ol blog here and letting me know you care. I love you both. I just want you to know that. I will be coming by to see whats up with ya all!!

As for the rest of things.

G and K want more rent money. Which I obviously understand. I just can't afford to give them more then the 200.00 and food I give them. I also buy household stuff. But I know how it is when it comes to bills. They are all so high because its winter time. And that 200.00 I give them just doesn't go very far. Especially since Katie has been out of work due to being preggers then due to having baby. Oh she is soooo totally adorable btw. Shaelyn Marie Hurd. Born December 17th 2008. So cute and such a stinker!! Daddy calls her munchichie so when I saw when at safeway I told mom and she got her one for Valentines day/ Daddy was shocked as I was that they are still being made.
Anyway. I have no ill feeling towards G and K. I know how hard it is. And with the economy the way it is..well/
I am going to see what I can do about moving out. That was no problems arise and they can find a roommate who can afford to give them more money.
I was going to go on the road with Derek. But he informed me that he is not going to be driving anymore. They pissed him off real good this time and he's d0ne. He does have good reason I gotta give him that. I just can't go blabbing about it.
The gentelman I was going to go to Soap Lake to take care of passed away on the 25th of January. Bill Cotton you will be missed!!

Dear dad 2

THANK GOD!!!
You are awake and talking. Vicki said you seemed to recognize her!!
This is awesome!! I can't wait to hear you call me an asshole again!!!
I am so glad that you are back. Obviously I am not there and I don't know exactly how much you are back. But if you can recognize Vicki and tell nurses to stop it when they are pinching you then I have faith that you will recognize me and tell me how much you hate me. I honestly can't wait and will know something is wrong if you don't. I am actually hoping for the asshole comment. I want you to be whole and as healthy as you can be in your saltycantankerousness!!!!
I LOVE YOU DAD! HEAL SMOOTHLY AND QUICKLY!!!!!

Dear dad

Its amazing the memories that are going through my mind all day. Not knowing what is going on with the surgery they are performing on your brain. Its scary you know. Finding out that you made it through surgery doing well and moving your body. We play the waiting game now to see what kind of speech and understanding you will have.
Maybe you will be the lucky one and forget all the hate you have for me. And I will be the lucky one to be welcomed back into your life.
I miss you. Even though you are so close. Never getting to talk to you and knowing how old and rickety you are now. Major stroke aside.
The only words that keep ringing in my brain all day have been in my small little girl voice.
"big ol man ol daddy!"
I love you so much Dad. I know you hate me. I don't care. I love you.
I am worried and stressed out about your quality of life now and if mom will be able to handle it.
I know I can help her take care of you. But will either of you allow me to do that. Even though it will take a large burden off her shoulders. Does the hate run that deep?
I hope that this is all just doom and gloom on my part. I know you are both of an age where these things start happening. Hell its my chosen line of work, work I love.
But that none the less did not prepare me for the phone call from Vicki today.
I have crixed off and on all day. As has Amanda. I haven't been able to get in touch with Jason and the girls yet. I called Dan. He is worried too. Jen cried with me. Even though she is angry with you for how you treat me. She knows I love you and she loves you too. Thats what best friends do. My moo Donna called her mom and set up a prayer chain. My friend Wanda did the same.
I have asked for prayers from everyone I know. I want you to keep going. I want you to be the same Dennis Barclay you have always been. Unrealistic I know. Fantasy it may be. But prayers can do amazing things. Maybe not because their is an actual god. Maybe just because so many people are putting it out into the universe that it can't help but come true.
Miracles.
You aren't awake yet. I know. But I pray when you wake up you say something very Denny and then everyone will sigh and say ." yup it worked!"
I wish we could fix things between us. I wish their was time. I pray for time. Please don't let this be the end. Please don't go away. Not yet. I love you so much.
I need my daddy still.
Not that I need something from you. I just need you. Smart ass asshattery and all.
I need to see you breathing and talking smack.
I need to see that you can still look at mom the same way with mischievious twinkle in your eye that says nothing but how much you love her.
I need to hear you call Vicki rat kid again.
I want to hear you laugh at something I said. I want to hear you call me an asswhole and a piece of shit again. Thats you.
Thats what I want. Your wholeness.
We can fix the whole asshole piece of shit issue later. As long as you can understand that I love you and that I need my daddy we are all good.
I love you.
Please please please be a miracle my big ol man ol daddy..PLEASE

Changes

Soap Lake has become a bottom priority. My dad had a major stroke last night. They are in Arizona. My sister is on her way down there right now. Dad is in surgery right now to remove a blood clot from his brain. Its pushing on the speech and understanding part of his brain. The surgery is not life threating. He should make it okay. As for his speech after words. There is a fifty fifty chance he will get it back. Please pray for my dad. It can't be too late. It just can't.
I love you dad.

Soap Lake

Well I am headed off to Soap Lake tomarrow. My spiritual mom needs my help. Her husband has cancer , lungs, hips, shoulders...he is now suffering some demetia episodes and he has been taken to a nursing home. She doesn't know if medicare will pay for more then the one week they have paid for. He may need to be moved back home and she needs my help. I am more then happy to do this. I just want to be there for her. This is a very difficult time for those who don't cross over. She said she thinks he will pass soon. I believe her just based on what she told me of the situation. I can't lift him or anything like that. But I can help greatly with the dementia situation as I know what I am doing. I hate that he is going through this. More I hate that Vicki is going through this. He is in lala land for the most part. Which is good. His pain is being managed with some heavy drugs and that contributes to the dementia also. I know there is nothing I can do to cure him. I wish there was. But I can be there for her. And be there for him to make sure he is as comfortable as possible, entertained, and safe. I can help her with cleaning and taking care of her dog so she can spend more time with him. Bill. You are loved.