I am alive!!

Hello all, sorry to worry you. We lost our internet due to Jen and Chad splitting up and him moving out and taking the computer. Been working my ass off for the last month at my new job.
I am caregiving again at long last and I am loving every minute of it. Well maybe not every minute!. Billy is still in Alabama , guess I should have said he got out of jail and went to Alabama and he is still there. Hopefully he will be able to get on a bus Monday to head to Montana where I will be joining him in a few months. In the meantime Jen and I are moving here to Anacortes on Tuesday. As this is the city we work in. I am at the library right now with a time limit so if this is not making sense its because I am in a hurry. We should be getting our own internet connection within the month of December. I am giving that to myself as a Christmas present.
I need the internet. It is like a drug that keeps me sane. I hope each and every one of you are doing well and had an awesome Halloween and Thanksgiving, and that you will all have an excellent Christmas. I am sure I will be online again by then. I miss you all and hope to be able to visit each of your blogs soon. Love and Hugs and Kisses to all of you!!!!!!<3<3<3

Well

Here we are folks. With yet another day in the life of the Queen. Its been going slow lately. Went for a job interview last thursday for the perfect job. Guess I wasn't the perfect canidate for the job. Never did get a call back. Oh. Well. Never say die. Right? RIGHT!!
Going to Anecortes today to spend some time with the oldest daughter Pan!! Very excited. I haven't seen her for about two weeks and other then messaging back and forth we haven't talked much on the phone or anything, so it will be nice to actually be in the same place as she is. I wish I could go see Sierra and Lynndsey too. I miss them bunches. Sierra told me she wants to come home. It hurt to tell her she was home. She has to spend the school year with her dad. Which sucks because I really miss her and Lynn.
I don't know when I will be going to Montana. Billy is still in jail. He has a final court hearing on Nov. 16th.
HIs nephew Rusty said we were more then welcome to stay at his place when we first get there and all that. Until we can get jobs and move out! Wich is nice to know we have somewhere to go.
Now regardless of Billy I am going to Montana. Either way it works out . I will be in Montana by late spring if it kills me. I need to do some stuff before I can go on my own. It will work out better and faster if I go with Billy to his nephews. I love Billy and I want to be with him but I am not basing my life on him either. Not at this time. I am the one who wants to go to Montana . All my dreams of my entire life have been based in Montana. Eventually my dreams will come true! YES THEY WILL!!!!! I am making them come true. It is going to take time, dedication, and lots of hard work. Sounds like fun doesn't it!!!
I have been looking things up on the internet and figured out that I really need to go to the library. Because even though there is a buttload of info out there on the net. It just doesn't compare to a book. In my opinion anyway.
In other news, I've been doing a lot of sitting around lately and its driving me nuts. This is crazy all this doing nothing. Dont' really have many options though. I do a lot of job hunting on the internet. I am sure I will find something soon. I have to find something. I need much more money then what I am getting now. DSHS is trying to help me get employed too, yah, I need help. So what. Its all part of the process of getting back on my feet again. Get a job. Get a car. Save up a bit of money. Move to Montana, get into school, get a job, save up money to start business, start business, make more money, but an rv, travel around the country.
Got the plan. Now I just have to get a job to start it all off with. Reach all the little goals on the way to the big ones and I will be all good. Right now the little goals are to wake up early each day, look for work, find work. Go to work when I get a job. Sounds easy doesn't it? It would be if anyone appreciated my skills.

Come see me HERE

I now have a page at care2.com . One of the things I wanted to do was get more involved with things I cared about. Well this is one of those things. Please visit my page at this site. Maybe even join up too!!!!

Crying

I can't stop it. The tears are just leaking out of my eyes.
There is so much that I have lost recently and over the last few months.
I am just feeling it so keenly right now. Like a knife in my head,
There isn't any way that this feeling will go away any time soon either. Because of the fact that I will not be getting anything back anytime real soon and some of it, well most of it I know I will never get back. It just really really sucks at this moment. I know that something good will come of it because it always does. I know that I will learn great things. And great things will happen to me and my loved ones along the way. It just hurts right now. Missing my kids. Missing Billy. Missing my dog Bocephus Cleatus Lionel. And even missing my fish and that damn evil cat Buddah. Geez I even miss things right now. Like my entertainment center and my bed. And just having my space. And all my loved cherished ones in one place. HOME. I don't know how. I didn't know how before. But I will get HOME again. It is required of me to do so by ME. No one else can get that back for me. And yes it will be in a different place and yes it will have differnt thing in it. And yes even the people that make up my HOME will be different. Different because we will all have had different experiences. Hell I don't even know if my oldest child will move. I think she is tired of it and would rather finish High School in one place. I hope she will at least come to me for summer breaks though. And maybe when she is done with school in a couple of years she will go to college in Montana, Hell again., At this point I am even beginning to doubt my self on the entire Montana thing.
I hate feeling like this. But I do feel like this and I need to embrace my feelings for what they are. REAL. Stupid tears. I miss EVERYTHING.

Twiddling My Thumbs

Well I feel like I am twiddling my thumbs. spinnin my wheels. Not going anywhere really really fast. I do have a job interview tomarrow for the Humane Society. Its a small dog kennel. They only need someone about ten hours a week on the weekends. I would really like to get this job though. Because it will be great experience and it could work into more hours. What I really want is a job working for a vetrinarian or the pound. Because that would be intense experience that could really come in handy! I can volunteer for more hours at the kennel though. Which I am going to do. Again because of the experience. The opportunity for experience is not something I am willing to walk away from at this point. So until I can find a full time job. I am going for whatever I can get my hands into!.
Please wish me luck! I could really use the money too. I need a car something aweful!
I hate being stuck at home!!!!

Good Day for new leaf turning

I've been down this road before,
The one that has all the turns and junctions,
It seems like yesterday I passed that rock,
Seems I have passed that rock many times,
Going in circles is crazy, not lazy,
Why do I repeat this path, these lessons,
Guess I didn't learn the first time,
Turn here, dad says.
No turn up there says mom,
Go that way Sister says,
Turn around and head back for a spell says the shrink,
Tired, I have decided to fuel up on love for me,
and go forward.
Down the really long and hard road.
The one with all the bumps and three foot pot holes.
The one that Goddess says is best,
The one the Lord has lighted for me, from the day I was born,
The one I have avoided out of fear and frustration,
The one everyone led me away from.
The one I tried with all my might not to take before.
I've loaded up on validation and creation,
I've packed my bags with hope and determination.
There is nothing to fear but success.
Will I fall?
Absolutely.
Will I get up and keep going?
You know it,
I have thus far.
Let nothing stop me.
Never again.
For I am going forward.

changes

There comes a time in a persons life when drastic changes need to take place.
Of their own doing. That time for me is now.
Things I want to change are.
1) Getting back into school
2) moving to Montana
3) Stop listening to others who put me down for one reason or another
4) Learn more about my chosen spirituality
5) No more being ashamed of myself and who I am and what I want
6) Dress in the way I have always wanted to dress
7) Take people out of my life who are unneccasary problem causers
8) Deal with my depression and other health issues
9) learn more about herbology
10) take care of my debts and get my credit in line
11) Get a good job that will support me and my plans
12) Allow myself to feel good about my choices
12 pB) Let people see the real me
14) Go to counseling to learn how to deal with a few things
15) Be more active in the causes I believe in
16) Tell everyone I love that I love them
17) tell everyone I appreciate that I appreciate them
18) Change my thinking
19) be even more open minded
20) Be a better parent
21) Be an even better friend to myself
22) Let others take care of themselves for awhile
23) Learn to say no when I need to or even just want to
24) Learn that its okay to speak my mind
25) stop sugar coating
26) Be more self reliant
27) Start exercising
28) set some goals and work towards them everyday
29) Learn that its okay to not like some people ( I don't have to like everyone)
30) Realized that its okay to not have the love and aproval of the people that raised me. I can give myself all the love and approval I need.
31) validate myself.

** I think thats a good start. Anyone have any suggestions?**
Ps, Barbara, I am going to start that " joy box"!!!!

Girls

Well today Jen and I took the girls over the mountains to go live with their dad for the school year. His mom was there and she kept thanking me for letting Jason take the kids for awhile. As it has been a long time since she has seen them. And it has been almost two years since Jason saw them. Their choice. I think they just didn't know they were welcome to call anytime. Or that they were welcome to come and see the kids anytime. Jason wasn't aware that we have joint custody of the kids. Anyway, the girls couldn't get out of the truck fast enough to hug Jason and his mom. Which was really cool to see. It made me feel better about my decision. I know the girls will do well and I believe that Jason needs this as much as the kids do and as much as I do. He is the stable parent right now with all his ducks in a row. I am not. My damn ducks have done wondered off and I gotta hunt them down and herd em up again. I cried when I couldn't see Sierra anymore. I managed to mostly hold it together while I was there. And Jen and I took lots of pics. I even took one on the way back of the pulp mill. Sierra referred to it as the minty catbox! She is so hilarious! Lynn kept telling me she I couldn't leave. Which made me feel terrible. I didn't want to leave her there!!! As I said though. It is not fair to be homeless and to keep making the kids move about the country. They are all now in places where they can be in one school for the rest of the year. They are all in stable places. My kids will never sleep under a bridge. I really don't know what my former mom thought I could do. Or what she expected of me. But I guess now that the kids are gone she has no use for me. As she told me last night that she no longer has a daughter. So I called Jen and she came there to pick us up and bring us back to her house. Because I was not going to stay in a home where I was no longer considered a daughter. I don't know what it is that she hates about me but it has been made abundantly clear that the only reason she even spoke to me was because of my kids. I am trash and everything that I had in some boxes at her house is garbage and she is going to take it to the goodwill. As if other people want pics of people they don't know. Someone will appreciate the blankets and things like that I am sure. But important documents>??? some frog and rooster things??? I guess the very last things I treasured are nothing but garbage. I will not go back to that house. I will not step foot in that house. If I am no longer her daughter then she no longer has granddaughters and I no longer have family on her side. I have no clue how my dad feels . But I am frankly very much tired of being hurt by words that come from my former mom. Why she feels the need to kick me repeatedly when I am down. I have no clue. I am done with all of this. Just need to get these confused thoughts out of my head. Because I really just want to know why she hates me so much. Yet she accuses me of being the one that hates her. I hate her actions towards me. Not her. I love her. But I will not take this anymore. Her statement that cutting ties is something that she needed to do is true. And that it is a good thing. That is also true. It is a good thing. If I am no longer her daughter that means she won't be calling me to tell me what a piece of shit I am. The will has already been threatend. I didn't even think I was still in it. I don't want anything from them. Take me out of the will. What good will it do me to have anything from them. It will just bring hurtful memories of people that didn't love me enough to solve problems. I love them both and will miss the deeply. I am no longer a daughter. But I am many other things.

In memory

This post is in memory of two people.
Jeri Haskins and Roger Castle.
Jeri passed away one week ago, Roger crossed over this morning.


For Jeri:
Memories made by firelight
laughter under a fullface moon
always the last to go to bed,
even us "kids" couldn't keep up!

Always the first one up.
You make coffee for GOD,
as old as you where,
you didn't let it interfere
with what you wanted to do.

Golfing, or swimming in the pool,
sipping margarittas in mexico for the day,
sitting and sunning
with good friends by the bay.

You will be missed here
on this big old rock
your laughter and fun ways
who will stay up with us "kids" now?

Who will, with god,great the day?
I guess you'll do that from Heaven now.
My dad will miss the company
when he rises in the early mornings
to go fishing at the cabin.

You'll be missed when everyone is in Yuma too.
Who will go to mexico
with my mom now, for shopping
and drinking and fun?

I know you'll with them,
even if they don't.
And now Larry will REALLY have to
mind his P's and Q's,
Because your watching every move.

I love you Jeri,
as so very many do.
What I will miss the most
is your light hearted wisdom,
and the way that got people to listen.
Even when they didn't want to.

Until we meet again, Blessed be.


For Roger"
When I think of you,
memories come flooding back.
Being a young girl and
sitting on my dads lap, listening
as you told stories back and forth.
I remember being small, at the firehouse
playing on the trucks with your son, Andy.
And how we would get in trouble for climbing
on the hoses. How we alwys got a bottled drink from the
little refrigerator thingy.
I remember easters, and christmas's and times
when you all went out. Fourth of July! When the
cops came by, to say quite lighting those off!
Barbecues and pit roasted pig.
Great times at Robinsons beach.
I remember you laugh and your smile,
and the way you were always willing to listen.
I remember you gave all us kids respect.
We were people too.
And the respect was delivered back to you.
All of us knew we could go to Roger.
( Great now I'm crying)
You will be missed for more reasons then one.
You will be missed by more then a wife and son.
You were precious and rare Roger.
Merry meet, and merry meet again.

Reasons For Going To Montana

I want to go to school there. There is no one there that I know at the moment. I told Billy in a letter that that is where I want to go. He said he would go there too. So some one will be there. Jen might or might not go with me. She is having a hard time making up her mind on exactly how she feels about Chad and there whole relationship.
I don't care if she goes or not. I don't care if Billy goes or not. I am going there FOR ME.
For some people this seems difficult to grasp. Which is surprising to me. But hey thats there problem not mine. I want to go to Montana to go to school and to do Animal Massage Therapy.
I have a lot of plans under my hat and many achievable dreams to make come true. Afraid? Sure who wouldn't be. There are things that scare me. Being so far away from my kids for one. But a helluva lot closer then Ms ! Being by myself in an unknown place. The responsibilities coming my way. The changes coming my way that I am bringing on myself! All of those things are scary. But they are worth facing! And I won't be so far from my kids that I couldn't get to them. They will be with me again soon. And we will all have had some neat experiences to share with eachother. I don't really want to leave Pan here but she doesn't want to go with me. She is finally back in school again and I don't want to make her change schools for a third time. Belle and Lynn are excited about Oregon. They haven't seen there dad in almost two years. They haven't seen There Grandma or great grandma in much longer then that. Or that Aunt Kimmie.
And again I don't want them to have to change schools again this year either. They have traveled about the country enough this year and need to be stable so they can go to school.
I am afraid of leaving them with there dad. That scares me to death. BUT he is their father and he does need to see them and they need to spend time with him too. Okay I feel I have explained myself quite enough when I really have no need to do that. SO I will not be doing that anymore after today either. This blog is going to become my Journal about my life changing because I am making it change. It is no longer going to be the journal of a loser.

HOME

HOME AGAIN!!!! It is so good to be here! Yesterday Jen and I took Pan to Anecortes and got everything in order for her to live with my friends and enroll in school. This way she doesn't have to change schools again this year. Here in about a week and a half Bellie and Lynn will be going to live with their dad. They are VERY excited about this and I am excited for them. They will be staying with him for this school year and then they will all be coming to me in Montana. I don't want them to have to change schools again this year when I go to Montana so thought it best for them to be with others while I get the stability they deserve. I am not the most stable parent right now and that drives me crazy to say that. But its the truth. I can't bring my kids along on anymore rollercoaster life rides. They deserve to have stability. By the time summer rolls around again I will have it in spades. I know that not everyone is supportive of my choices, but the fact is is that I don't need anyone to support my decisions when I KNOW I am on the right track. I am finally going to go down the right path in my life and live my dreams. I know that when I do that I will have the stability and the life that I need and my children need. I am taking this time to correct my life. I really don't care if others understand this or not. My kids are the most important thing in my life. They always have been. I have always listend to everyone but ME. It is HIGH time to listen to my inner voice as I have always told others to do. It is time for me to follow my heart. I have always listend to others and gone down the paths they thought I should go down. I have always listend to people tell me not to go anywhere. That I couldn't go anywhere. That I would never accomplish anything. That I am a loser and an asshole. To those people I say shut up! I will no longer listen to your deregatory descriptions of me. I am a divine spark of God and Goddess and I have a purpose in this life. I have denied that purpose long enough. I have trully fucked up my life and the lives of my children by denying my true path. I refuse to do that anymore. I have suffered with depression and guilt because I have denied my heart its true desires, again I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to fix this. I am going to make my dreams a reality. I am going to make my life happen for me. I am tired of being put down. I will not be silent anymore. My true self is reemerging and I don't care who likes it and who does't. If there are folks out there who know me and they don't like what they see now I just don't know what to say. I am going to be me. Either you will except it or you won't. Love me or hate me. You will never forget me.
Great love to all.
Blessed Be!

HOME

HOME AGAIN!!!! It is so good to be here! Yesterday Jen and I took Pan to Anecortes and got everything in order for her to live with my friends and enroll in school. This way she doesn't have to change schools again this year. Here in about a week and a half Bellie and Lynn will be going to live with their dad. They are VERY excited about this and I am excited for them. They will be staying with him for this school year and then they will all be coming to me in Montana. I don't want them to have to change schools again this year when I go to Montana so thought it best for them to be with others while I get the stability they deserve. I am not the most stable parent right now and that drives me crazy to say that. But its the truth. I can't bring my kids along on anymore rollercoaster life rides. They deserve to have stability. By the time summer rolls around again I will have it in spades. I know that not everyone is supportive of my choices, but the fact is is that I don't need anyone to support my decisions when I KNOW I am on the right track. I am finally going to go down the right path in my life and live my dreams. I know that when I do that I will have the stability and the life that I need and my children need. I am taking this time to correct my life. I really don't care if others understand this or not. My kids are the most important thing in my life. They always have been. I have always listend to everyone but ME. It is HIGH time to listen to my inner voice as I have always told others to do. It is time for me to follow my heart. I have always listend to others and gone down the paths they thought I should go down. I have always listend to people tell me not to go anywhere. That I couldn't go anywhere. That I would never accomplish anything. That I am a loser and an asshole. To those people I say shut up! I will no longer listen to your deregatory descriptions of me. I am a divine spark of God and Goddess and I have a purpose in this life. I have denied that purpose long enough. I have trully fucked up my life and the lives of my children by denying my true path. I refuse to do that anymore. I have suffered with depression and guilt because I have denied my heart its true desires, again I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to fix this. I am going to make my dreams a reality. I am going to make my life happen for me. I am tired of being put down. I will not be silent anymore. My true self is reemerging and I don't care who likes it and who does't. If there are folks out there who know me and they don't like what they see now I just don't know what to say. I am going to be me. Either you will except it or you won't. Love me or hate me. You will never forget me.
Great love to all.
Blessed Be

GOING HOME TODAY!!!

Here in just a little bit we will be driving to New Orleans again. The girls and I are flying home today!!!! YAY!!! I cannot wait to get to Washington. To feel the chill in the air again!
To see the mountains and the big big big big water!! To smell the salt air, to be where I know where I am. OH HOME SWEET HOME!!!!!
Then in a few months time I will be moving to Montana, Not to far from beloved home and all my family and friends. But far enough away to make a completely different life for myself away from everything. To reinvent myself to who I always wanted to be and should have just been.
I have already began the process. I will be honing it in Montana. I plan on attending college there!!! YAY ME AGAIN!!!
I'm changing my life people! I hope you will all come along and watch me make a complete turn around from the person you have known here before.
GOING HOME TODAY!!!!! Should be in Seattle about 9 pm!!!! YAY YAY YAY!!!!

Laughter plays like light across the room
Sweep up that twinkling dust with thy broom.
When you are yourself
you take it all in
you change the world when you believe.
Laughter leaks light water through a sieve
Do you believe in love, do you believe in you
I cannot tell myself from you
I cannot make the world alter for myself
But I can alter myself to change the world.
Where are we going its all confused
what should we do, we are lost like you
Tangled and torn we bleed
We feel, we weep, we need
to believe
Laughter brightens every life
Lips on the moon, to kiss the sky
What do we do when a hero dies?
The world shall cry tears of lost faith
The pope shall make a stupid speech.
Crying doesn't make it better, except inside.
Laughter is what the world needs,
to change the tide.
What can I do now.
I don't even know.
I guess I will laugh
On with the show.

New Orleans

Derek and I took Amanda to the airport in New Orleans yesterday. She was very happy to be going home and she made it to Seattle just fine! YAY! I was worried because she had to change planes in Dallas by herself but she is an able kid even though she wants everyone to believe she is not!
While going into New Orleans I was struck by how even the bend of the naked trees is testament to how severely Katrina whipped New Orleans ass last year. Further in it was very easy to tell who had the temerity and the money to rebuild and who didn't. There is still mass destruction down there. There are building still ripped open at the sides and rooves still missing, some covered in blue tarps, some just left alone. Broken windows and doors off their hinges where common, Deserted apartment complexes and department stores like Wal*Mart and Sears and major gas stations stood empty. I couldn't believe Wal*Mart hadn't reopened that store. I told Derek I would have thought they would have been right on top of that to help the community by providing jobs and such with new construction and then running the store. He said it was a ghost town out there, no one to work anyway, and that even Wendys was paying 9.50 and hour just to try to get people to work there.
The closer we got to the airport the more people and reconstruction we saw. Some neighborhoods where still completey empty, others where dotted with people who could.
The better richer looking neighborhoods where doing great. And the mom and pop places seemed to be doing much better then bigger stores. I realized that its about half right now.
And that the people of New Orleans haven't given up, those who didn't come back just started their lives over somewhere else. I believe that those empty places might someday fill up again. Something tells me it will be all new folks that go there though and those who left for shall we say drier ground. While New Orleans was an awesome place with an awesome spirit and I wanted to stay for awhile even just to walk around and absorb that spirit. I wouldn't have been able to stay for long. There is also an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. There are some spirits there who still don't know what happend to them and they wander aimlessly through what once was their lives.
I must give props to those who have stayed in New Orleans and fixed the damage and have rebuilt their lives. That is not an easy task. I know. I have done it several times and am doing it now.
I am hoping that when we go to the airport again for the girls and I to leave that we can stop somewhere, just for a little while and take in the atmosphere of that beautiful city.

Well today was interesting

Well okay not really. It was Lynns 10th birthday! I can't believe she is so big. Holy crap. We had a party blah blah blah. I know I usually write something special about the kids birthdays. Its just not in me right now and that is the truth. I am still waiting to hear from Jason on wether he wants to take the kids or not. Jen bought me and Lynn and Belle plane tickets so we are going home on the 26th. My folks bought Amanda a plane ticket and she is leaving on the 12th. I cannot wait to go home and just start my life over and do it right this time. I have learned a lot through this and rediscovered my strength. I got a lovely letter from Billy today. All sugar and spice and everything wonderful that a girl wants to hear. I wrote him back letting him know I am going to Washington and if he trully meant it that he would do whatever I asked to be given a second chance then he needs to come to me there. And then there is a big long ass list of what he needs to do to get that chance and to keep me around if he gets the chance.
I love him so much and it hurts so bad to leave him behind in Kentucky. I believe he really is sorry for the pain he caused. I don't know if I believe he will do whatever it takes to get me back. We will just have to be patient on that one. Most of my friends and family understand where I am coming from and how I am thinking. People fuck up. Its human nature. Do they always correct what they have done and then do what they need to do to make life good again. I don't know. For myself I know I feel like I have woken up after being checked out for awhile. My sister T and I talked about that last night and today. I have been asleep and living remotely for a few years now and just let things happen as they would. I figured everything would work out fine I just had to believe and then sit back and watch it come to fruition. HELLO!
Ya, just in case your wondering. That doesn't work. If you really need proof just read this blog over the last year. Ya that woke me up too. I think the biggest factor was that quote I saw somewhere online. " Don't let someone else be your priority and you be their option."
WOW. Oprah light bulb moment for this Queen.
I can't believe what I have let my life become and the path I have taken my children down.
I can't believe I let that apartment go. I can't believe I had to take Boceaphus to the pound. I so miss my dog. I can't believe that I am now at the point where I had to come three thousand miles from home to learn to look inside myself for the strength I needed to do what I need to do. I can't believe that now my children are going off to different places because I am such an insufficient mother. Getting down on myself will not do any good though. I need to stay strong and keep my wits about me if I am to fix this situation for once and for all. I guess we will see how I do now won't we. Time to stay awake for awhile Queenie.

MY LIFE IN A CEREAL BOX FULL OF FRUIT LOOPS

I am the biggest one in the box.
Call me crazy call me insane. I forgive Billy and I want to be with him again. I got a letter from him today. It wasn't the greatest letter seeing as he is really pissed off that I called his PO. But he feels like a shmuck for what he did and wants to fix things. I think I should give him the chance. I think he should give me a chance. I took his freedom by calling his PO. In Billys book that is like cheating on me is to me. Granted he could have saved himself the trouble by doing what he needed to do. But all the same I called and got him thrown in jail. It matters not that I was concerned. It matters that I called. At least to his mind anyway. Just as it matters not why he cheated on me. It just matters that he did. Can these things be forgiven. Yes. They can.
Why would I want to fogive him. Because I love him and he loves me and I believe that people make mistakes and learning lessons for themselves. I happen to know a lot of people who have cheated or done other things in their relationships that weren't right. They where forgiven and forgave the wrongs done to them and they are still going strong and happy in those same relationships. Why should this be any different. Billy and I are just as human as everyone else.
Lets not forget that I also screwed up by believing I could trust Clay. That turned out to be a wrotten situation and I can't take it back. I can't go back in time and decide to go home with Mouse. I believe that my girls are going to be going to live with their dad. He got the chance he needed to get his life on track and now I need mine. The kids are excited at the prospect of seeing him and living with him for awhile and meeting his new fiance and seeing that side of their family again after so long. I don't want them to go away, but at this point I have screwed things up so badly and it is affecting them so much that I feel they need the stability that their father can now provide. The stability that is not mine right now.
Things are not so great here in Hattiesburg. Derek can't handle living with five young women and one old one. He is going crazy and taking it out on all of us,.But more the kids and especially Amanda. Amanda has a mouth on her and she isn't quite about how she feels. I have taught her not to be. She gets told to shut the fuck up and that severly pisses me off. Then Derek and I fight. I am beginning to hate him and I don't want to do that as he is my very best friend in the entire world besides Billy. See that is the other thing about Billy. It has been a long time since I had a relationship with a man that was also my best friend. Jason and I were only friends in the bedroom or when we weren't together and then only long enough to get into the bedroom!
John hated me, he must have, he hit me all the time and as we all know, that is not love.
Billy is my best friend. We can talk about anything and everything. We don't normally have this communication distance between us or this physical distance either. We finish eachothers sentences for christs sakes. Or we say the same thing at the same time and end up saying jinx. I think we owe eachother at least one truck load of cokes!
We like the same things, and different things to. We like to do a lot of the same things and are open to trying new things together. We are both allergic to mushrooms. And our favorite color is green. Although he loves Chrome and I love purple. He loves my kids and he loves animals.
I like big rigs and muscle cars and kick ass paint jobs. I don't know, I guess we will either figure it out or we won't. All I know is that I love him and fogive him and I hope he can forgive me for earning my bitch certificate by something I did to him.
More later need sleep. Still feeling yucky.

Mother Earth Takes Back One Of Her Favorites Today

Steve Irwin ( the crocodile hunter) passed away today while filming amongst sting rays.
Steve was an incredible man who loved his planet and made great strides in conservation and education. He had a way with animals that could never be reproduced or copied. Mother Earth took back a true son of her soul when she brought Steve back into herself today. The people of the world should weep today. We have trully lost a savior to our planet. Tomarrow we should sing and dance in his memory and for every day after do all that we can to save this world and the animals in it as Steve tried to do with every breath he took and every beat of his heart.
My thoughts go out to his wife and children today. Those kids can grow up knwoing there daddy was a true hero.

I earned my bitch certificate!

Okay heres the scoop on that.
I called Billy's P.O. and told her where she could find Billy. Gave her the address and everything. I know I am evil and will rot in hell. O well at least I will be surrounded by friends in a place I don't believe exists.
Anyway, Last night Billy tried to call collect. So I called the hotel wondering what the fuck he wanted. Well the guy at the front dest informed me that he hadn't seen anyone for a few days. I said well Where's Billy he tried to call me collect last night. And the guy said " He got picked up."
Oh okay well that makes sense to me. Thanks. Then I asked about the woman he had been staying with. And dude told me that she took off with Billy's friend Elmer!!!! HA HA HA!!
I love it. He got thrown in the clink and lost his new girlfriend to another man. A man that was his friend!!!!! I love it. God Karma is soooo fabulous. No before ya ll lecture me that karma can bite me in the ass too for telling his P.O. Where to find him. No. It was tough love and major concern for his life that really made me call. Everytime he smoked that crack he was taking his life in his hands. And he was making terrible choices that weren't just hurting him but also me and my kids. Most importantly my kids. SO anyhow. He was either trying to call to tell me what a bitch I am or he was calling to apologize because his head is free of his ass. Or maybe he wants me to try to bail him out. Sorry Dude I'm broke. I am a bitch so no news there. And I hope to god his head is free of his ass because he owes me and my children an apology. He tried to call several more times today but there is some weird deal about calls from jails now. You have to pre pay for them or some stupid shit. Sorry ain't happenin. Try from somewhere else or write me a freeking letter. I am a bit surprised he bothered to memorize the number here though.
And a little afraid that he might have memorized the address. Derek will kick his ass if he shows up. Which would be wonderful and horrible all at the same time.
C- I would love to read your blog too. Could I have the link or would you really prefer to be anonymous???

WOW

The link to the al anon words should be read by all. Thankyou Barbara for sending that to me. All I can say is wow. Wow . Wow.
Another wow goes to being found by my sister. Vicki Ann Toria. I LOVE YOU VIC!!!
I am a little surprised to be found like that. And a little scared. But at least it was my sister!
And C, I don't know who you are. I wish I did know who you where. You are welcome here anytime and I hope that sometime you might let me know who are you. I have a feeling I do know you though.
Jac you are right. I am not trash. Deni, Thankyou. Thankyou all who have replied to my last post. I need to know that people care and feel some love right now. Wanda has been helping me a lot too. I see her at myspace and we talked on the phone. Derek has been super supportive and my moo also. I talked her ear off for two hours last night. And she patiently listend as I ranted and raved and repeated myself twelve million times.
I am doing suprisingly well with this. The kids are shattered. And that shatters me.
Billy didn't surprise me. I knew this was going to happen. I just knew. I wanted to make him leave months ago but didn't because my kids loved him and I didn't want to hurt them.
I loved Billy. I really did. But he was always lying and I believe cheating before we even left Washington. Why do I make these choices. Even after eight years of being so careful about dating and being single for a reason. I still chose to let in the wrong person. Maybe I need to go to al anon. Seems like a great and enlightning place to go.
At least I have a job here and a place to live for as long as I need it. Hopefully around the first I will even be getting a car!
I plan on going back to Washington in about a year. Although I have been seriously considering Montana. Lynn seems fascinated with Montana. And I always have been. Its something to think about. In moving here I have been freed. I realize I can live anywhere and do anything and be who I am. No matter what anybody thinks.

Pissed off and Broken Hearted and REALLY PISSED OFF

William Backus is a FUCK. He didn't even have enough balls or respect for me to call me and let me know he was done with us. Instead I call him and his GIRLFRIEND answers the phone. She was quite pissed off when I told her who I was. Then she told me who she was. She is still with him in HER hotel room in Cave City Kentucky. He is using her for a roof over his head and a fuck when he feels like it. Money, and Dope. Yes he started smoking crack again. He is such a fucking BASTARD. My children are so hurt by this. He PROMISED them that he was never going to go away. He SWORE to them that he was going to get us a place and he was going to make sure we all got back in the same place again. He promised that he would make sure they could have a dog. He SWORE to them that he was not a dad who was going to abandon them.
His new unsuspecting lady made him get on the phone. He told me to LEAVE HIM ALONE. And hung up the phone. Okay buddy. You want to cheat on me and lie to everyone and be fucked up on drugs. You want me to leave you alone. You want space to fuck up your life. CHOKE ON IT. I HATE MEN.

We made it!!

Well we have moved to Mississippi. We left Everett on the first of august and arrived here on the fourth. We are still stiff and tired and sore and I think we are all coming down with a cold or something. but after being in so many places and around so many people it is expected. I had a new and take the cake kind of em bare assing moment.Somewhere in Idaho I ripped out the seat of my jeans and didn't know it until somewhere in Texas. I wasn't able to change until Dallas. Somewhere in Texas I had actually bent over at the front of the line in front of three lines of people to get the tickets out of my purse. So about three hundred people saw everything god gave me. Ug!
I didn't even know! I figured it out in Amarillo that something was wrong because this mexican guy was always behind me no matter what I did. Then another guy joined him. And a group of guys gave me this " how much" look.. I felt the back of pants but didn't feel anything wrong. When we were getting off the bus in Houston I felt again and the entire butt of my jeans was almost gone!! after I changed this guy that rode with us from Everett says to me." so you figured it out huh" I said " why didn't you say something!!!?"
He said " well actually I was kinda enjoying the view" SHEESH!
Not one person said anything to me!! NOT ONE!!
Anyway we made it hear and Billy is in Kentucky trying to get his pilot car license so he can help his friend deliver houses. So eventually we are moving to Kentucky or possibly Alabama.I don't know. I might just stay right here with my very best friend in the entire world. Derek. He found out what was going on in Washington and decided the girls and I needed to come here. So here we are.

Chris's meme

1. If you had to set your own work schedule; 8 hours per day; 5 days per week. Which days and hours would you choose?
I would work 5am to 2pm
2. What Reality Show would you be on and why?
Real World... so I could act like a stuck up snoby whore and be loved anyway
3. What is the last book you read?
Complete Idiots Guide to being Pagan
4. There are many songs that bring us back to a certain memory. What song(s) do you HATE to hear for that very reason? I don't have any of those..
5. If you could go back in time to be any place in world history, what time would you choose and what country/place?
I would go back like to have been born just a smooch earlier so that I could have experienced the 70's as a teen rather then a kid.
6. Do you know more than one language? Which one(s).
I know just a tad of spanish, german and french, but not even enough to get me buy.
7. What is your favorite blog? Please link it. One only.
Haven't been here for awhile so I don't really have a favorite, I love all of them that I come here to read.
8. What is your favorite web site? I love any website about paganism and magick and indigo's.
9. Your house is on fire, the people and pets you love are safe and you can grab one other "thing", what are you taking?
My ass out the damn door!
10. You have $100 to spend in the next hour. How are you spending it? (Saving it or giving it away not permitted.)
I would buy groceries. Pay a bill. That would take about a half hour either way.

Possibly Moving To Alabama

Well here we go again! A brand new plan is being put into action as we speak. Billy has been in Cali for five days and things aren't going the way he wanted them to. So he was talking to a buddy in Alabama and the guy told him to come on out. And in a month he is sending for me and the girls. I really hope we get to go. I would love to live in Alabama. Call me crazy if you want to. I love William and he loves me and the girls. We are just having so much difficulty here and he has a chance to get his cdl there. So seems to both of us that thats were we aught to go!

Myspace misery

Just when I started to enjoy myspace it became riddled with problems. Everyone I know in Washington cannot access it. I don't know when I will be back on here. Billy went to California to get work and get us a place down there. I am supposed to leave around the fifth but I am not sure yet it I am or not. I am actually hoping he will come back here. Even though we have nothing here other then friends and family. He has friends and a son in cali so that is where he wants to be. And he says he knows he can do better down there then here. So far though he has only made enough money to get cigarettes and something to eat everyday. Which makes me nervous. I am not going down there until he has a place set for the girls and I to go to. We are still very much in love. We are just going through a lot of changes.
It is extremely hot here right now. But it is even hotter in Northern Cali. A lot of the delay is due to the heat wave as the truckers are not wanting to talk to anyone they want to stay in there air conditioned trucks and not dick with anything else. And there is hardly any trucks there.
I told him maybe that means he will be extra busy this week.
I wonder if I will make it to Cali and if I do what will it be like?

Moving Sale

Just joking!
I have cyber moved to myspace. I really like my new location. Please visit me there!

http://www.myspace.com/mskajunkitty


Yup, Thats where you can find me from now on.
This page will stay up so I can continue to visit all of you here!
Speaking of which I will be hopefully having some time tomarrow to do just that.

Love to all:)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANT

EVERYONE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANT!!!!!

I'M GLAD YOU WERE BORN

7/7/77

I knew we were supposed to be here!

Yes I did!
I said it to Billy and a few other folks. I knew there was a reason we were supposed to be here.
I will elaborate on that more tomarrow.
In other news, I am moving over to myspace.
I will keep this page up, for my links to those I have come to care so much about.
Please come visit me at myspace, my search for mskajunkitty and you will find me!!!
Gonna go read blogs.
Love to All.

Continuation/ RESPECT please

Okay. When I was staying with my sister I would get up every day and start right in with cleaning her house. We were staying there I felt it was the least I could do. So I would wash the dishes and clean off the counters and sweep and mop the floor. I would do all the laundry, wash. dry. fold. and put it where it needed to go. Three times I cleaned the bathroom, once each week. Twice I watered the plants. I made sure the dogs where fed, I cleaned the livingroom everyday and vacuumed, I made sure the kids cleaned the bedroom and vacummed that floor two. I even fed her birds finally after telling her for three days that they needed food and water. They are her pets, just like Daves Bearded Dragon is his. Those where the don't touches. Finally I just couldn't stand it anymore after watching Gracie litterally fall when she tried to flap her wings. Birds dehydrate very quickly. They had absolutely no water. The dish was DRY, all the seeds where practically flour from all the times the birds tried to get something out of them. I can't help but worry now about how they are.
I know Tannis is normally much more attentive to her animals though, so I can't help but think that she was just too stressed having us there in her sacred space. Which I understand because whenever I have a friend or family member who has problems with a place to stay I cannnot and will not turn anyone away. My sacred space is constantly invaded, but it doesn't bother me the way it does other people. The only time it does is when people sit around on their asses instead of helping out around the house. When they decide that buying cigarettes is helping out.
Okay so here comes the disrespect part. When Tannis told me I needed to go, she also added in their the fact ( yeah right) that I rely on Billy for everything, that I am up his ass, and if she was up Daves ass as much as I am up Billys that Dave would have left her along time ago. And that I don't do anything. I just lay around on the couch all day and don't help out. And that I haven't done anything to try to help me and Billy get a place. That could have been calling churches and this that and the other. That I used to be so strong and now I am just so weak now that I have a man. WHAT??????
Number one I don't rely on Billy for anything. I like that he treats me the way he does, *like a queen* But I don't rely on him. I rely on US. Number two, Which I told Tannis, She and Dave talk to eachother more often during the day then Billy and I do. Where she calls on her breaks and her lunch and when she's on her way home, and when she gets home. Billy or I will call eachother once during the day, and he will call when he's on his way home, and I might call him once when he's on the way if I need him to pick something up on his way.
Number three, I guess the dishes and laundry did themselves and put themselves away, and the vacuum was magical and vaccumed the carpet all on its own. And the bathroom faeries cleaned the bathroom. and and and. While I just layed around twiddling my thumbs. Which really amazes me seeing as she thanked me all the time for doing all that stuff. Number four, I called all the churches and every other agencie out their to try to get help and they all were out of funds or the waiting list where anywhere from six months to five years.
Number five I didn't USED to be strong. I am STILL strong. If I wasn't stong I would have given up. I never give up, I know that we will end up where we need to be in the community we need to be in surrounded by the people we are meant to meet now. And the people we are supposed to be surrounded by.
Yes My sister pissed me off. Not because she asked us to leave. Not because she she loudly berated me in front of my kids and Dave and Billy, but because she berated me period. Because she said those things and it was more the way she said them. Their was no discussing it. Well we did later and I set her straight. She did apologize for her accusations which was cool. But she still treated me with the same disrespect and that PISSES me off.
I am not less then her because I am between rooves.
I have gotten the very distict feeling after looking over the past and her current actions and reaction to Billy. Tannis is jealous of anyone who gets more attention from me then she does. No I don't think she has realized this. But she has some reason for hating each and everyone one of my friends. or their just stupid. She hated John, she hated Jason, and she doesn't like Billy though she says she does. She flirted with all three of them. She flirted with any date I ever had. And she flirts with my best friend Derek. Even though she hates him with a passion. More later getting tired of typing!!! My fingers aren't used to this anymore:)

First real post

Okay ladies and gentlemen,
This is how its been for my family the last two months.
My puter went up in smoke. LITERALLY, It made veronicas smoke alarms go off because it was on fire!!!
I lost internet anyway so it didn't do me anygood to have a computer.
So I just need a new tower and all that goes in it and I will have my own again.
We were evicted because we weren't able to pay our rent. 650.00 a month is a lot when your total income is only 640.00 a month. Billy was having a bad spell because of the weather. You cannot polish properly in the rain. It just doesn't work. So anyway, any sunny day that did come along he was out there making money, but polishing trucks isn't always reliable income. So very little was made and the rent didn't get paid all the way.....
So then the day after we find out we have to move, our car breaks down. The tranny went and kicked the bucket. So we traded it for a dumpy truck. Not even a month later the trucks axel something or other came apart and the left front wheel started to fall of. So no more truck. Luckily we were at my sisters by this time. Where we stayed for three weeks. She was reluctant to let us stay there and she thought about it alot. But when she found out that we were trying to figure out where we were going after two nights in a hotel. She decided that we could stay there for a week and after that week we would talk about another week. She didn't make the offer based on how many times her and Dave and the kids lived with me, or how I supported them for months on end. Over and Over and Over and Over again. She made the decision based on the fact that she felt sorry for me that I had screwed up my life and she couldn't fix it for me but she wanted to help some how. This kinda ticks me off.
from 1992 to 2000 Dave or Tannis or both of them and Rc. or all of them including mimi have stayed with me off and on for no less then three months and as long as a year and half for Dave. Dave is now with Tannis obviously.
They feel that we are even some how. Even though they still owe me a lot of money for those times. I have never mentioned it to them. Even when I have borrowed twenty bucks and pay it back right away. I don't mention the thousands of dollars I spent taking care of all of them. When they borrow money from me, they pay it back now. Now that they can. But the past is the past they say, and they don't want to discuss it. They feel that Dave buying cigarettes on the weekends and Tannis getting a gallon of milk or two is taking care of themselves in the past. I don't understand how they can think the way they do. I havn't even added it all up. I stopped trying to add it up when I got to five thousand dollars and wasn't even half way through the bills from the past when they lived with me. I won't mention it either. I don't expect anything from my sister. Or from Dave. I take that back. I expect RESPECT.
Even now when I am going through a very rough time. A very challenging time.
I don't expect anyone to help me get through this and set things right again.
Only I can do that. Only me and Billy working together can get us back on our feet. But to be disrespectful to me when I am down. Thats just low. I know I haven't explained that part yet. I will . RIght now I just need to go smoke a cigarette. Yes I am still smoking. And Yes I am planning on Quitting. Next Saturday the first is my quit day. Wish me luck I'm gonna need it!!!!
More tomarrow on where The Queen has been and what The Queen has been up to. And dang tooting I'm still The Queen. I'm just slightly displaced at the moment:)

I'MMMMMMM BAAAaaaaccckkkkk!!!!!!!

Be afraid be very very afraid!!
I'm back and feelin good now that we are in a place with a bit of stability until we decide where exactly it is we want to make a home.
God its been so long since I've been able to get my thoughts out!
I can' t even tell you how good it feels to be able to sit here and type again.
There is so much on my mind I don't even know where to begin now that I am here.
Shit!
Okay I have missed all of you so so so very much and I am so sad that some of you have had to stop blogging because of outside influences good and bad. I hope that those of you who have had to step away will come back sometime and let us know how you are doing.
And I wish you wellness and health.
As for us we are homeless . Meaning we are living with good friends for a spell.
We stayed with my sister for three weeks.
I had to take Boceaphus to the pound. Which is still breaking my heart.
And no I don't want to talk about it. I had to give Daezee to Nej. She says we can have her back when we get our own place. I am fine with Daezee being gone. But I know where she is and who she is with so it was very easy to watch her walk out the door. All of the cats were taken to the pound accept for Buddah who has been officially adopted as the complex cat where we used to live. All of the animals found homes immediately with new owners so I have high hopes that they are doing well and are happy. Because here the pound checks out where the animals are going.
Anyway, we still have Lynns bunny Skipper. He is a cashmere rabbit and is incredibly soft and very tame. He has made loosing the cats and dogs easier for the kids. Sierra had to give up her birds. And Veronica has my fishies so I know they are doing great because Roni takes care of stuff like that.
We are staying with G and K and Billy and I have our own space in their shed. Which sounds bad but isn't as it has a window and is carpeted and is a very nice space.
Anyway I am done for now as I want to get reading and checking up with all the folks I have missed so very much!!!!

Update by SnowVhite

My comp is toast *it's fixed, she just can't get here to get it*
Still packing for the move, my car is toast I GOTS NO RIDE.
I miss everybody and will post as soon as I can & visit with everyone as soon as I can. If you email me I can check it on my phone, i'd love to hear from all of you! I hope everyone is doing well :)

Update

Well its been awhile since I have posted anything.
Cable malfunctioned and now is turned off. We are in the middle of packing up and getting ready to move hopefully to Moses Lake Washington. We have decided against moving to California as many of Billy's friends have recommended that he not do that as he at one time had a very bad problem with drugs and thee particular drug he liked so much is quite rampant down there. So we are hopefully moving in about two weeks over to Moses. My friend Katie has an aunt and uncle that own a trailer park and many apartment complexes over there and they have a nice three bedroom trailer right on the lake open right now. Its only 475.00 a month and that includes electricity and cable and water/sewer/garbage. This is a fabulous deal in this day and age and we can have our dogs and cats. I am just waiting to hear from katies aunt and then I have to come up with 200.00 dollars as a deposit. Wish me luck on selling my other car!!
I hope all of you are doing well, I am going to go now and visit as many of you as I can. Love to all!!!! And more when I get a chance. probably not till after I move.

Thank You

Thank you to everyone who posted positive comments to my fire post.
Its been awhile since I saw some of you on here!
Boabhansith it was really nice to see a long lost blogger friend!!!
I am thinking of moving my blog to myspace.
I haven't really made an absolute decision yet. And now we have no internet service and my computer went T. U. anyway. I am at my friend snowvhites posting this now and checking email.
So now it will be few and far between that I am able to get online any way. At least for awhile until we get some more stuff figured out.
Pray for sunshine so we can get some work done and get some bills paid.
Talking to T- Mobile right now trying to get my billing cycle changed to make it easier to pay the dang bill. Its kinda hard that it was in the middle of the month. So on the first I would make a huge payment and then have another one due right away and not be able to pay it so the phones would get shut off. Arg. It was just a pain in the ass.

DEAR ANONYMOUS

YOU HAVE NO BALLS THEREFORE YOU HAVE NO SPACE TO TALK HERE!

Fire!!!!

Last night Billy and I went out, for all of 20 minutes.
Billy got a phone call from officer Ashley. She has been getting to know Mr. Billy rather well as have the rest of the Everett PD. He has managed to single handedly hand over at least 5 drug dealers 1 run away and a stolen car. Just from looking out the window. So anyway, she called to let him know that one of the kids threw something burning out the window. Well of course we had no clue what happend so we rushed home. Barely avoiding an accident, a minivan decided to spin out across all lanes of the freeway in the rain. Amazingly not one person hit the minivan and it didnt' hit any one either. An act of GOD/GODDESS.
So we get home with Dave hot on our trail. We beat him here, we coming from North Everett, him coming from a mile or so away. I ran up the stairs faster then I ever have. And come barreling in the door. Billy and Dave right on my heels.
I had called my mom for her to get her ass down here because we were at least ten minutes out. So mom and Sev and Trinia were here when we got here.
The police officer immediately told us that everyone was okay and that nothing was burned inside the house. Amanda my most wonderful daughter that I trully love very much. Had decided to light paper and a plastic bottle on fire and throw them out her bedroom window. Well some one in the other building had seen that and called 911. Officer Ashley has been doing extra patrols and so she was able to witness the occurance. Anyway, Dave took mimi home and took Sierra and Lynn for good measure and informed Amanda that because she had endangered his daughters life and her sister lives that he was walking out of hers for awhile.
She is not allowed to see Mimi for a long time either. Or R.C. or Tannis my sister.
Tannis doesn't want to see her right now. I haven't talked to Tannis about it. I don't need to. I know how she feels. I feel the same. I am having a hard time with handling this. I don't trust Amanda any more at all. I wanted to kill her last night! She could have caused the deaths of not only herself but also her sister and her cousin and anyone else that lives in this building. The good thing is is that someone saw it and took the time to call 911 and not ignore it!
I am so angry with my child. I love her so much and when I think about what could have happend it damn near stops my heart. She is soooooo grounded and has been working her ass off all day. She was going to get to go to her friend Becca's this week but now that is out the window. She also lost her opportunity to be friends with Trinias daughter Brittany because they both screwed up in their own ways. Anyway. I am just a bit stressed with that. Billy was right there though. Never has anyway stood by my side like that. The weirdest and most wonderful thing happend though. I decided to get stoned with my brother and Billy and wow did I sleep like a rock! But first I asked Billy to rub my back, he had to help me get my clothes off first and then he rubbed my back and the next thing I know we are having fantastic sex. His idea!!! WOW!
WOW!
WOW!
WOW!
I love you Billy, thankyou so much for being by my side, and for being turned on by how I handled the situation. I will have to try to impress you more often!!!

My Main man and My other Best male Friend

The man of my dreams the man I am going to marry!
We had a blast today polishing a 1977 Fire Engine. This was a special day for me. Working on that truck and climbing all over it to get the high spots polished brought back so many wonderful child hood memories for me. When I was growing up my dad was a fireman and so was my Uncle Lowel and many long time family friends. Every sunday my dad would take me and my sister down to the firehouse and let us run around. We would play hide and go seek and climb all over trucks and if we were lucky got to help wash them! They would run relays between us and the other kids to see who could get up top fastest and then who could get down the fastest, the boys always cheated and jumped. That wasn't the point!!! Then we would all get to get a soda out of the cooler. Back in the day when sodas came in glass bottles. So many of those men are gone. So many of them were heros. Especially my dad. My uncle Jerry the one that just passed away recently was a fireman and then the Chief in Granite Falls. He loved loved loved the old trucks. When Billy and I were trying to get this job I sent up a prayer to my Uncle Jerry. MAKE THIS HAPPEN! WE NEED THE MONEY AND YOU OWE ME ONE AND YOU KNOW WHY!
I told him if he made it happen I would show him my forgiveness in the shine of that truck. I would help to make it beautiful in honor of him and in honor of all his fellow fallen hero's.
SO Uncle Jerry this truck is for you and for my Uncle Lowell and for Larry, and for all the others who have passed on.
And DAD This truck is for you. I love you and you are still my hero.
*****
Now my OTHER BEST MALE FRIEND


Derek I love you man. Thanks for always being there for me. AND GET BACK ON THE ROAD!

My Kinda Duppie Pog

Good Weekend

This weekend had its ups and downs. Right now is a bit of down time, not a downer. We went to Happy Land last night and had a blast. Our friends Joy and Jason spent the night in the living room cuz Joys mom locked her out of the house unintentionally in her drunken stupor then couldn't be gotten up! So anyway, there were some interesting folks at our lovely little bar last night. Lets just say Billy probably really likes it when I get whipped!!
Okay enough of that or my sore body will be screaming as much as I will......
(heheeeeee)
Yesterday was a bit of a test for Billy. His little baby boy Luke passed away eleven years ago on April first. He has posted about it. Please go see him on his blog. Its in the LINKS!!!
If I remember I will come back later and put the link in for you to make it easy!!!
Billy I love you and I know Luke does too. See you on the other side little man.

On the bright side of things, YES there is always a bright side to every day no matter how hard or bad the day.
We did have a great time last night. And yesterday was pretty good too, Friday was cool, we went out to our Happy Land and my brother Sev and his girl Trinia came down and sat for awhile with us. Billy went around the corner to pee and I accidently thought he was getting stoned with Orville, so I sent my smoking brother and his girl up around the corner, Trinia went first and she accidently saw an eyeful of the Billy Club! WOOOPS!!!!!!
Well now she knows what I am dealing with and why I am walking funny half the time.
Oh my goodness that just cracked me up.
Okay well I guess I really am boring now so I am going to go.
Love to all!!!!

New Kinda Car Wash/ received via email

To All of My Friends, I have previously been getting my car washed monthly at a standard Car Wash. A friend has recommended me to another company that comes to your home or office once a week and washes your car .They are really excellent and I have opted to use them and now have my car washed weekly instead of monthly!

Please find attached their price list, & list of employees (with photo attached)for identification and contact details should you be interested.Cost - $ Who Cares - Worth Every PennyEmployees - Who needs to know their names.

I must let this out,'
out of my chest,
this black and flapping thing
let it out into the universe
in a big long scream
so it can live free and
be away over yonder
away from me.
This pain is torture,
I cannot sleep,
the unrest
is killing me.
Another sleepless night
Another wakeless day.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I must let this out,
let it go
out into the wild.
Before it takes possesion
of my shattered soul.
I must let it go,
away away away.
I must'nt let it get
out of control.
Deadly is this,
this flapping black thing
this searing anxiety pain
inside my wounded breast,'
I must let this go,
go out into the world,
were it can hurt no one
yet be free of
me.

Goodbye

some sacrifices must be made to pay some bills round here so I won't be online for long. And I don't have a clue as to how long it will take to get to where we can be online again. We might just have to go with dial up. God knows I will go completely nutszoid if I don't have this outlet. I might just have to sell the computer though to make sure that their is a roof over my kids heads. And power. I got a disconnect notice yesterday from the power company. Going to see about getting assistance with that though. Billy lost his shop space due to the owner being an ass hole and wanting to charge Billy more and pay less for the cars he wanted done for his lot.
So now we are in a mad dash to find work for Billy and to get some bills paid or we will be living in our little tiny car. ITs time to start offloading stuff. My car that doesn't run, this contraption. Maybe a tv or two. The freezer will have to go back and we will need to stop smoking. Can't afford to do that either. Fuck right now I feel like I can't afford to breathe and as a matter of fact I feel another panic attack coming on. I need like a thousand dollars just to make up for this month and pay half of next months bills. Maybe I should sell my body for advertising space on ebay. God knows I have enough body!
Oh shit I just cracked myself up with that.
I hope to get around to everyone before we have to have this turned off. I am expecting the bill to come in any day now and when it does we will have to call and have it discoed till we can pay it off. Love to all. I will see each of you soon.

I know its been awhile since I posted a real post. I just now started feeling better.
I slept for two entire days basically. I don't have much to say yet. I don't know why,
I am still in a lot of pain and Billy is still by my side even though I am a lunatic right now.
He has been taking care of making dinner and making sure the kids do their chores.
Then he wasn't feeling well either there for a day or two,
Thankyou everyone for your comments. I appreciate the sentiment,
And yes Phyllis the wedding will be here in Washington we just aren't quite sure where yet.
And since it really isn't all that far off we really need to get moving on these plans of ours.
I hope everyone is doing well and I will try to get around to visit within the next day or two.
Got a lot to do, including getting better. I will post something more later maybe even tomarrow but it may just be a week. I haven't really felt much like getting online at all.
Love to all......

MY BILLY

This is the amazing and wonderful man who has been by my side twice now as I lay in a hospital emergency room unable to breathe and freeking out. Cussing out nurses and throwing oxygen
masks and anything else attached to me that overwhelmed me. He calmly dealt with it all and just by looking me in the eyes and talking softly and holding me he helped me breathe better. Kept the PAIN at bay as much as any human possibly can just by being present in the room.
He dealt with my outbursts with calmness and understanding and for that I am so greatful.
I love you MR. Billy!!!!!

Not up to posting much, Billy got out thursday morning. I went to the hospital Wednesday night and friday afternoon and today with severe anxiety attacks due to inability to breathe do to bronchitis and an infection in the bone of my sternum compliments to my first ex husband who broke it about 14 years ago. Need sleep. Still alive, more late. sorry and I love you all,

Not up to posting much, Billy got out thursday morning. I went to the hospital Wednesday night and friday afternoon and today with severe anxiety attacks due to inability to breathe do to bronchitis and an infection in the bone of my sternum compliments to my first ex husband who broke it about 14 years ago. Need sleep. Still alive, more late. sorry and I love you all,

Now I'm sick, this sucks.
Billy is getting out tonight or tomarrow though so YAY!!! YAY !!!! YAY!!!!
Still don't have a helluva lot to say.
Depression is like that though.
You never know what mood you are going to be in....
Love to all.

THREE OF THE FISHES IN THE TANK

Boceaphus Cleatus Lionel