Thursday, May 12, 2005

Another Post

Right now I am so upset that I cannot speak. I am so angry that my throat literally is in knots. I commented a little bit about it in the following post. Which was posted yesterday evening.
The things that have been happening lately are just throwing me for a loop.
For many years I have lived in this house, paid my bills, and watched my children grow. Along the way I have had many people live with me because they didn't have a roof over there heads and they needed help. Long time friends and friends I have known for just a few years. Every one of them seems to be turning the other way now. Jen even told a slum lord not to rent to me because she is angry or something I just don't even know. She is very angry now however. My dad decided that they all needed to hit the road tonight. The cops where called and the whole shabang. Jen wonderful friend that she was, who claims to love me and my children so much, was so angry when she left ,that she took the liberty of going out of her way to run over my youngest daughters bike. The tire is completly folded over like a damn taco. She says she didn't do this on purpose. She says that she will buy a new tire for the bike. Some how I doubt that THIS will happen. As a matter of fact it would shock the shit out of me if she actually went through with something she said she would do.
I am feeling so betrayed, and alone in the world. And like none of the people I have helped and been there for give a flying rats ass about my children and myself. The only one who tried to help me was Derek. He still has a place for me to go if I can friggin get there. Dilema, should I try to get a little more money, give away basically everything else I have left and get on a plane with my kids. OR should I buy a vehicle and then save some more money and go to Ms. OR should I go just three hundred miles away and get a place with my mother.
If I did the last I would still be close enough to come up and see my parents, sisters, brothers, and extended family. I would still be able to save up money enough to move to Ms at a later time if I decided to go. I am in turmoil and I do not like it one bit. I am angry, confused, hurt, frustrated, and hurting myself right about now somehow seems like it would make me feel better.
I know thats not the case of course but the thought keeps crossing my mind.
I don't like that at all.....
It is 12:21 am and NO ONE is awake for me to call and talk to about all of this.
About an hour ago I called Dereks mom, whom I also call mom. And she told me quite wisely to not worry about what has happend, and to just make a decision about what I WANT to do and do it, screw what everyone else thinks or how they take it. She also told me that my parents cannot make me leave right away, which I also knew. but I don't want to screw up there stuff either. I don't want to FUCK them the way I have been so pleasantly FUCKED, hmm maybe I should say TOSSED eh Cedia?! Yes I think that is quite a nice verb for this situation..
I told Jen tonight after she called and told me what a fat, lazy, worthless person I am, that I trully wish her a million times her intentions. She said " FUCK YOU DENISE". Well golly, if someone wished that for me I would be so grateful!!!!
But then again I have GOOD intentions. I told her that I hope things work out for her and everyone else. And I meant it. I mean just because I am having fantasies of her tires going flat and her truck getting repo'd for her not having insurance... Well color me purple.
It kinda sucks that I know my fathers intentions are to call the very nice people who own the house to tell them they would be crazy to rent to Jen , Veronica, and Ken. As one landlord to another. Well I just don't know what to say about that. A part of me wants to warn Jen because I love her, and another part of me wants to see them all scramble just a bit to try to find something else.
Mean hearted ? Probably, well not really. It's out of my hands and I don't want to interfere. What my dad does is his business and what they do is theirs.
Why should I get involved? Why should I even care? Because I love her. Love does not end just because some one hurts you. It is not a switch that can just be randomly turned on and off like a light. For this I think I will just stay in the dark though. I don't want to get involved in the drama. I have had enough. I am choosing to let go and let god. HE will do what is right.HE will make whatever is to happen happen. I am trying very hard to keep faith right now, can you tell?
I don't even want to go to sleep right now, I am sooo not tired. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted but that won't help the sandman find his way to me.
This entire experience has taught me a lesson I THOUGHT I had learned along time ago. Depend upon only yourself. Do not under any circumstances rely on friends or even family. You are the ONLY one who can help yourself and do what needs to be done for YOU. Joe cowboy that lovely angel of a man is trying to set some help up for me. Such a sweet sweet man he is. I wish I could (((((HUG)))) him right now! I could so use a hug, I think I will go to the Safeway tomarrow with a sign that says " free.. HUGS!" Maybe I will just wander around the store for awhile seeing how many short, or old , or handicapped people I can assist in getting things off the top shelf. Or maybe I should stay here and clean and go to the dump with my dad. He has alot of stuff at his house too. I can probably do more good that way. There are more things that can go to the Goodwill too.
I don't know where I am going, or what I am going to do. But I know that I will be okay. I know I will still take care of my kids, I know that GoD is still with me watching and waiting for me to take his directions. I just wish I could decipher what those directions are exactly. I need a letter with detailed instructions..
Man I am all over the place in this entry, I just re-read it to check spelling and all that. I don't care right now though, and this is how I feel , I needed to get it off my chest and out of my damn head. I feel like an idiot. And have been made a fool. Time to clean house and get down to business and stop feeling sorry for myself. Gotta take a little time to think things through and come up with a plan of action. First things first. Deal with things here in this house. Make smarter choices from now on. That I think is my biggest problem, I am so afraid of making another mistake I am making the biggest mistake of all. NOT choosing, NOT acting. I just don't know what is best and I am afraid to make any damn plans. I also feel like kicking some asses right now and NO I wouldn't mind going to jail one tiny bit. Yes, yes I know. I know. Thats why I am still sitting at this computer writing a post. I was good. I need to be here for my kids. I can't go to jail or allow myself to go nuts and go back to Fairfax all though that would be dreamy.I love the mental hospital we have here. So quite. So stress free. Such Great DRUGS!!!! I know I will feel better once I make a decision. And do it.
Once I am settled again somewhere. Fuck mars would be nice right about now.
Unfortunately there are no internet connections on mars and I can't live without this blog. Its the only release from stress and my only way of relaxing. Because here in blog land I can say exactly how I feel, I can wander all over the place in my posts. I can cuss and be crazy and 99% of bloggers cheer me on. Its acceptable to be who I am. Even if I am more then likely certifiably insane at this moment, someone out there is gonna send me a (((((hug))))) and someone out there is gonna have advice.And someone out there is gonna know exactly how I feel. How I ask can you beat that?!?!
I sure hope you are all doing WAY better then I am. And for everyone who is worse off, I wish things better for you and I pray that wishes come true.

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